Through the Roof Beams

Single and Complete

2012-02-14T23:50:00.000-08:00

“The church will be and is composed of the single and the married. Both are called to a life of faithfulness. Both are called to the vocation of parenting so that all children will rightly be brought up in the faith. All are called to be friends, defying the loneliness that threatens anyone not married. Such loneliness is particularly a threat in societies in which we are told we must be independent of all relationships other than the ones we have chosen. Marriage in such a society, moreover, can become too significant, just to the extent that marriage names our only hedge against loneliness. As a result too many people discover that rather than living their life alone they end up living their life alone with someone.” - Stanley Hauerwas

Seeing the facebook feed today fill up with friends praising their spouses/partners is a moment of choice for me: I can either be bitter and think something snarky OR I can celebrate for my friends. I am usually more the former than the latter. I wish I could say I was mature and selfless. But the truth of the matter is I'm selfish and often find myself pouting about being single.

My immaturity was made known to me by my best friend Tracy a few weeks ago. She didn't intend on this reaction, she merely asked as a hypothetical (which hypothetical conversations are the bulk of our discussions): would I rather have gotten married right after we graduated. The answer was a firm no. I wouldn't be here and have had the same experiences, friendships, etc. Would I have rather married one of the men I've dated? No. So then... I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be. I'm single, and this is good.

When I returned in May from my London and Oslo explorations, I posted this triptych as a response to a conversation I have with my Norsk friend David. Life is not a distant idea, that comes when we find our vocation or spouse, it's right now, already happening. And the spouse's existence isn't a guarantee, nor is marriage guaranteed to last or fill a void. Ryan echoed this idea that we are whole and complete as single folks, that we are not people to pity, or see as less mature. Sometimes I feel like a child in comparison to my friends with spouses and children, but that isn't what is true (though I sometimes act like a child). That's why I have wanted/still want a partner: to feel more like an adult, to feel as though I've arrived. That and to fill the loneliness I tend to feel.

Then the accident happened. And I realized that I didn't need a partner, I had plenty of someones to call from the ambulance, to sit with me in the ER, to drive me to dr. appts, to wait for me in the waiting room while I was in surgery, to bring me food, love, attention, movies, to wash my laundry, to change the dressings on my stitches, to hug me, to tell me that I was beautiful (even with huge puffy lips and a mouth full of metal), to take me for walks (short at first, then long walks, then city adventures), etc. I had (and have) an abundance of community, and the actual possibility of feeling lonely was (is) near impossible. To each person I am so grateful, and feel the love SO MUCH! It's overwhelming in the best way possible!

Graveyards and a Funeral Playlist

2012-02-13T19:26:00.000-08:00

It can be very revealing of a person's view of death when I mention that I have a funeral playlist. I think my favorite (because it was so quick witted) response was from my friend Andrea. We were discussing the songs that people choose to have our friend sing at weddings. I then said that I haven't chosen my wedding songs, but have chosen funeral ones. "Well," she joked, "I guess you've chosen the the certain event, rather than the one that may or may not happen."

I hesitate sometimes to share how I have playfully (and actually) planned my funeral. My grandfather and father both took their lives, and while I know my community knows that I'm not suicidal, I guess I worry that it'll make them worry. I just think it mostly funny to plan for a funeral at 26, but then I got a little pissed at God when I actually had a close call on my bike in December. But yes, there is a 4 track playlist in my itunes for my funeral, because God help you all if you play Sarah Mclachlan's "Angel." I will haunt your ass.

Also, I like visiting graveyards, which also seems to illicit some incredulous facial responses. But there is beauty in everything, and I especially like how people remember their loved ones, both here in the States and internationally. Today Rachael and I went to the SF Columbarium, and it was my favorite States-based memorial space so far. Not a graveyard, since it's a building with little windows to display urns full of loved ones' ashes, along with photos, little notes and flowers:

Rachael's been my funeral/graveyard buddy, two weeks ago we went to the SF National Cemetery:

And here are a few favorites from my all-time favorite graveyard in London:

Let's not forget Oslo:

Oh and in case you were wondering what is on my funeral playlist, here are the songs:

April Anticipation: Fauxchella V

2012-02-08T22:00:00.000-08:00

Before I say anything, I strongly encourage you to watch this beautiful video created by Adam Sjoberg:

The past 4 years of this, I've missed. Either because I didn't know these folks, or because Fauxchella usually fell on the anniversary of my dad's passing. But this year it's a month early, and damn it, I'm fucking going!

I am quite excited.

!!!!!!!

It's a short post today. But I'll be practicing singing and guitar in my room if you want to come over and have a laugh. I'm terrible.

If you're interested, check out the site and contact the extremely amazing Laurel Dailey about it. And if you're a friend of mine, let me know, there might be a few of us driving/flying down together.

Emotions Breaking In Through Film

2012-02-07T23:41:00.000-08:00

I've been pretty emotionally removed from this accident. Yes, I processed thoughts and some emotions, but most were about the present, not about how I almost died, or the actual trauma of going under anesthesia.

Then today I wanted to post the song that made me cry while watching 50/50 to my mom's wall, and I re-watched the scene on youtube and cried again. I then put the Liars song that is playing in the background in this scene, and could not get my makeup on because I was crying again. I tried to not stop myself, because I know how hard it is for me to connect with sadness, or most vulnerable emotions. It put me in a very soft, emotional (but I think healthy) place for the rest of the day. I'm grateful for it.

Honestly, the only times I've cried (aside from the week that I was "wired" shut and I cried daily because I couldn't talk and was so frustrated) have been because of movies. The movies that made me cry also happen to be my top favorite movies I've seen since the accident. I've seen A LOT of movies and documentaries, and while I'd probably recommend the majority of them, here are my top 5 favorite films (these are all trailers, so they won't spoil the films...hopefully):

1.) 50/50 (This movie isn't as light hearted as the trailer makes it out to be, but there are definitely funny moments. Makes me love Seth Rogan a whole lot)

And if you've seen it, or don't mind seeing a scene from near the end, this is the scene and the song that makes me lose it EVERY time:

2.) The Diving Bell and the Butterfly (Lydia sent me this trailer while I was wired shut and I cried just watching the damn trailer, so I waited a bit before watching the movie... but sobbed. Definitely the movie I cried the hardest during).

3.) Le Havre (Gorgeous, minimalist, I can't say too much without giving away the ending)

4.) Harold and Maude (Not sure I cried, but I LOVED this movie. Only recommend for those with a dark sense of humor, I mostly giggled through this one)

5.) Beginners (Eh... maybe I didn't cry in this one either. But I wanted to put all of these in one list!)

I HIGHLY recommend all 5 of these films! See them and let's discuss!

Naiveté about Recovery

2012-02-06T23:16:00.000-08:00

Basking in the Sunday glow with Olive

One trying aspect of the experience of the last almost 8 weeks is the constant reminder of how much I did not know about recovery after an incident. I thought before and during the accident that recovery was the surgeries and the week or two after them. But no, I saw my wrist surgeon today and he gave me another 4 weeks before going back to work!

I am not a patient person, and I feel guilty (even though my bosses have been SO supportive in all of this!) for missing this much work. So recovery since getting off of the pain meds has been trying. Though I will be the first to admit that my right wrist is NOT where it needs to be in order to sit at a desk for 7-8 hour days! AND my brain needs to get back on track. Which is why I'm reading more and taking notes, and blogging: I want to make sure I'm ready intellectually to get back to work and be able to maintain focus/motivation.

So where did this gap in idea of recovery and reality come from? Honestly, lack of experience I think. I had never broken a bone, and I think I haven't been very close and involved in the recovery process for anyone in my life. I know my mom has had surgeries, but my stepdad took care of her, and I guess it didn't register how long/short it took her to get back to work.

All this to be said, the accident itself really isn't burned in my brain as the difficult part of this whole process. The recovery from the accident and the surgeries has. It's amazing that actions towards healing end up causing more pain that the original incident.

An Overabundance of Words

2012-02-05T23:59:00.000-08:00

Broken face, pre-jaw surgery

Through the wonders of social media, I got connected with Daniel Dixon, a friend of friends, ReImagine alumni and a talented musician. We grabbed a meal today and I got to perch in the recording studio with him and his bandmates from Greylag. It was loads of fun, I love meeting new people and getting to see talented folks in their element collaborating together. All three Greylag fellas and their recording engineer were all warm, welcoming and engaging, while maintaining focus on their music.

As always, after meeting new people, I tend to critique ways where I wish I had acted differently (I'm borderline obsessive about how I appear to others, it's vain and egotistical, but if I'm going to be honest, I care a lot about what others think of me). And today, I realized there is something I feel EVERY time I meet new people (not at a party, but in an intentional one on one or small gathering): I talk too much. I am an overabundance of words, I cannot simply answer a question with yes, no, or a few words. What is funny is that I don't truly enjoy talking about myself when I first meet people, I want to hear THEIR stories, but instead they ask a question, I get nervous or excited and my mouth does not quit! On my BART ride back into the city from Berkeley I realized a few truths:

1.) When I meet new people who I am excited about, I do not have to immediately make sure they know everything about me, or justify my worth to them. The love and affirmation I receive from my community confirms my worth, and I have to trust that who I am can be seen without my manufacturing.

2.) That I'm also simply NOT a woman of few words (see all my rambling posts on here). I want to be fully honest and understood, and often one or two word/sentence(s) answers do not really embody a complete, truthful response.

3.) I just get so damn excited about potential new friends, connections, collaborations that all my extroverted energy ends up channeling out through my mouth. It's an indicator of excitement but also insecurity. And I truly hate that about myself. See truth #1. I need to slow down, take a breath and remember who I am and the love of God and my friends that I already have. And not only does me talking disallow getting to hear my new acquaintance's story, but I also find that all that energy makes me a terrible listener. And I am moving so quickly through the conversation or from one conversation to the next, that I can end up being unintentionally rude. This happened to me on Friday night, there were a bunch of friends at Shotwells, and I got so excited, overwhelmed and easily distracted that I ended up mid conversation turning away from a friend to talk to another one. No, I cannot blame the beer I drank, it was the extroversion. It wasn't until my friend walked over to the girl I had been talking to in order to make sure she didn't feel left out that I realized my error. That my actions put someone I care about in a position of exclusion makes me feel a lot of shame.

I did not intend this to see like a masochist posting, I just see an area for personal growth and reflecting on it on this blog helps me address the issue. Plus, for those in my life that regularly read this, it is definitely a request for accountability or advice on this matter.

And what about you? Do you react to new connections in the same way or differently?

Going Daily (hopefully)

2012-02-04T19:03:00.000-08:00

Post-surgery broken paw/wing/wrist

I began physical therapy on my right wrist three weeks ago with a lovely middle-aged woman, who is quite the quirky conversationalist. I keep asking her about typing long hours at work and when I'll be ready, and she gave me the challenge of spending 15 minutes everyday typing, to begin seeing how my wrist responds. That's right, this concludes the end of the video updates. We are now back to our previous form of communication, and one where I don't obsess about my looks... because I did. Broken jaw, teeth and wrist, hyped up on oxycodone, and I was still concerned about the ridiculous ways I move my mouth and roll my eyes when I talk. I know, I know, I have a very expressive face. It's out of control.

Since weaning myself off of the oxycodone two weeks ago (no I did not get addicted), I am FINALLY able to appreciate my time off from work and my forced sabbatical from life. I have to move slower, I cannot start new projects, and there are various other limitations that I will, for the sake of not complaining, not list. This is a gift, BUT I also (being the doer, achiever, active extrovert that I am) struggle with worrying that I'm wasting time. My wonderful roommate, Lydia, encouraged me to take up writing again, since I love it.

So 15 minutes of daily physical therapy on the computer + engaging my brain and creativity= attempting to daily blog on here. I feel as though this experience has and will continue to reveal a lot to me about God, life, myself, community, etc., so much so that I've hesitated blogging because I didn't know how I'd cover it all. Well, daily blogging should break this all down into manageable bits!

Thanks to all of you for all the cards, messages, texts, love, food, etc.- I'm bursting at the seams with appreciation and love!

Bike Accident Updates: Part 3 (Video)

2012-01-19T22:41:00.000-08:00

Tomorrow will be 1 month since the accident. Happy Anniversary Market Street. Love, my face and wrist

Oh good, youtube picked out an awesome still to have as the video still...

Love you guys!

Bike Accident Updates: Part 2 (Video Update)

2012-01-03T13:52:00.000-08:00

Bike Accident and Updates: Part 1

2011-12-24T22:53:00.000-08:00

On Tuesday, I was biking to work, feeling like a bad ass. As I was crossing over 6th and Market, I decided to take a risky move and bike over the Muni tracks and in front of a bus to get to the bike lane. Unfortunately, the street cleaner had just watered down the tracks, my bike slipped and I flew over my handle bars onto my chin. I could hear my teeth crunch and the bus screeched to a halt right behind me. I am so lucky that bus stopped.

A bunch of random angelic strangers from the corners of 6th and Market, ran out and dragged me from the street. I had a mouth full of blood and couldn't speak. They called for an ambulance, gave me paper towels for my mouth and spoke comforting words. I am so grateful for this hodge podge of local SFers' care and comfort. Some tourists walked by and said "Oh my god..." and I kind of wanted to spit blood at them while they gawked at me, but I was near fainting and had swallowed a lot of blood.

Finally after what seemed like forever, but was probably only five minutes, the EMTs showed up. They loaded me into the ambulance and proceeded to ask many questions which I couldn't answer due to my mouth full of blood. Still managed to joke with them and they were kind men about my age. I texted a couple of friends and my boss, all who offered to come to the hospital, but I just wanted one person there. Jessica Sarchett was wonderful and stayed with me at the hospital the whole time and drove me to a doctor's appointment after the ER.

At the hospital, they gave me a CT scan, some x-rays, and 6 stitches on my chin. I was cared for by a very dry sarcastic, but sweet, gay nurse. I found out I had fractured my jaw in 3 places and fractured my right wrist (yep, I'm a righty). It was the most fast efficient ER I have ever been in and my doctor even called the next day to check in on me. Unfortunately, since it is the holidays, I couldn't get the surgeries done that day.

My wrist surgery is scheduled for the morning of Friday the 30th. I am still waiting on a OR slot for my jaw surgery. I will be getting metal plates in both. Up until Tuesday, I had never broken a bone...Go big or go home huh? As it turns out a few teeth are also fractured, but they can not be addressed until my jaw is fixed. Currently, I am in pain, but they gave pain medication that dulls it, yet doesn't get rid of it completely. Mom was able to fly out the next day and she has been taking care of me ever since. With a broken jaw and wrist I am pretty helpless. She has been so patient and I am so thankful for her caring for me.

Thank you to everyone who has sent cards, emails, texts, flowers, facebook messages, and gifts! I feel so loved! I am sorry I haven't been able to completely and individually thank you. But, THANK YOU SO MUCH!

Yesterday my sister (who is wonderfully typing this up right now for me), stepdad, and dog arrived and it has been great having them. I still think this will be a great Christmas with my family, even if it ended up being very different than I had planned. They make me laugh hard, which hurts my jaw, but is so worth it!

I will keep you posted on this blog or on facebook as to how I am doing. I appreciate all of you who have checked in. Please pray for quick healing and the operations to go well! If you want to bring food or visit after my family leaves contact Laura Kirk or Lauren Crandall.

Love you guys and am so thankful that the wasn't as bad as it could've been!

End of the Quarter Eval: New Testament 1

2011-12-04T20:32:00.000-08:00

The other day my friend and professor of New Testament 1, Daniel Kirk, pointed out over gchat that I only blog about my postmodern theology, film and youth culture class. In my defense, I only did that because my class assignment were blog posts, so I just repurposed them. I also found my NT1 course to be much more intellectually challenging and intimidating, and knowing that my professor of said course reads my blog, well I didn't want to blog on it and fuck up one of his class lectures. Plus, I have way more blog hits when I write on Fight Club, then I would if I wrote on the synoptic gospels and how they differ. [I now understand why there are more sermons on lust, relationships and forgiveness than synoptic origins, Old Testament prophecy SOMETIMES being fulfilled in the gospels, and Raymond Brown's thesis on the gospel of John actually being a two level drama (the story of Jesus and the story of the community of John's time told through the Jesus story). I get it now... sorry to my pastor friend who I gave a hard time to over beers a few weeks ago :)]

My new testament 1 course was a wealth of mind-blowing information. It's a bit overwhelming to attempt to write some sort of summary on what I learned, so I'll make a list below. But overall, Daniel did an impressive job of synthesizing a lot of material into one coherent course. It's fairly meta how a course on narrative theology in it's structure also followed a narrative. And the last class of the quarter was one of the best. Daniel concluded with this really wonderful lecture on how Jesus in the gospels sets trajectories, that continue, grow, match the culture that they are in. Jesus as catalyst.

An example of this is women in leadership. In the historical and cultural context that the gospels take place in, Jesus' interactions with women are revolutionary! In Luke 10:39, Mary sits at his feet, which in cultural context means she is a student or disciple of his, which is completely culturally subversive in the gospel's time period and culture. But there isn't female disciples in the 12 chosen disciples. But that subversive trajectory continues down the path, into the early church, where there are female house church leaders, etc. Up until now, where we have women pastors, speakers, disciples, etc.

So we first understand the story, parable, scripture within the historical, cultural and biblical context. Then we see if it can translate to the time period and culture we find ourselves in. BUT sometimes scripture won't translate to us or our culture. I think we (myself VERY included) thinks that all scripture must somehow apply to us. Sometimes the only ways that scripture applies to us is that it is apart of the same larger story (or narrative) of God, Jesus and his kingdom, which we are apart of. But only apart of the story, not the main character. That's God/Jesus/Spirit.

Am I getting this right, Daniel? Or am I totally going to fail your final? Do you find it humorous that on my break from using the study guide that I'm blogging about the class?

Break...procrastination...call it what you will.

I'm not going to list ALL I've learned in this course, because that would take forever and I really should get back to studying for this final. But here are a few things that I learned in this course that blew my mind:

The gospels are not conflicting historical accounts of Jesus, but instead are four different narratives, told with very specific audiences in mind (not us), with very specific goals with each different gospel.

That we can easily find out what these goals are by reading the beginning of each gospel. Like a book, the first chapter of each gospel introduces the gospel to you.

Somme of the assumed scripture about the coming "end times" actually described events that have already passed. And we're still here. (What could this imply about the events of the future that so many "left behind"ers anticipate?) An example of this is Mark 13 where Jesus predicts the destruction of the Jewish temple that occurred in AD 70.
Everything about the origins of the synoptic gospels (Q, Mark, M, L)
Luke and Acts were written by the same author, and are books that should be read together, as part 1 and 2 of the same story.
John is actually a story of the early church community when the gospel was being written, but told through the story of Jesus.
Jesus both fulfills and rewrites the story of Israel, and this new story continues to be carried out through the church. (Not sure if we're doing the best job on this one...)

Alright, I should probably get back to studying. I barely scratched the surface on that list. I think what was humbling though was how much I did not know and assumed I did. While this course probably rocked the foundation of a lot students who have a more fundamentalist background, it rocked me in that I felt like in a lot of ways I was meeting Jesus for the first time. Thank God that this Jesus is the Jesus I was hoping for all along, a Jesus I felt in my gut but did not know how to articulate or back up my reasoning for him. It feels like such a fluke that I've considered myself a Christian all these years and am just NOW actually getting who Jesus is. Again, Thank God this Jesus is even more incredible and wonderful that I imagined. And I know there's so much more to learn. In books yes, but also in living in the way he lived. The gospels very much call us to live radically, which is why in the last class one of my classmates talked about how terrifying the gospels are when we realize what they are actually saying. I'm fucking terrified of what it's calling me to, and am also so excited.

I haven't turned this around to the reader before, but after writing a post for my work's blog, I have learned the importance of facilitating conversation on these posts. So what about you? Do the gospels terrify you? When did the Jesus of the gospels first blow your mind? Or have you taken Daniel Kirk's class and want to tell him how great it was in the comments field? Do you read scripture in historical/cultural context or do you read it literally and literally apply it to your life?

Multi-generational Community in Our Fragmented Culture

2011-11-26T16:00:00.000-08:00

Hunt Family Thanksgiving 2011 taken by my sister Tori

Yesterday morning I went to my favorite coffee shop in my hometown and tried to finish my last book for my postmodern theology, film and youth culture course. I was not successful. I couldn't concentrate because this 8-10ish year old boy was reading Harry Potter to his dad. At first I was a little perturbed that he couldn't just read in his head, but then I saw how loving the scene was. He would struggle with certain words and his dad would help him, and at one point he stopped and asked his dad what a word meant. His dad read over his shoulder, with his arm around his son. It melted my academic bitterness and I longed to be a mother so I could take my child to a coffee shop to read.

But then I thought about it. Why wait? I have a slew of friends with kids who would LOVE for me to take one for the afternoon.

And that got me thinking about family and the importance of multi-generational community. If you're anything like me, you've got a few holes in your familial life. There are many reasons why we are so fragmented as a culture, and I'm not sure if it's more or less than it was in Jesus' time, but I'm sure our postmodern, individualist, online media society does not help. But we have this incredible gift of a redefined family in Jesus. Jesus challenges the familial structure as it was in his day, the same story is told in the 3 synoptic gospels (Matthew 12.46-50; Mark 3.31-35 and Luke 8.19-21), and, of course, John has to be the dramatic black sheep and paints a scene of Jesus hanging from the cross redefining his family with his mother and beloved disciple (John 19.26-27).

Here's Mark's version of Jesus' redefinition of family:

Then his mother and his brothers came; and standing outside, they sent to him and called him. A crowd was sitting around him; and they said to him, ‘Your mother and your brothers and sisters are outside, asking for you.’ And he replied, ‘Who are my mother and my brothers?’ And looking at those who sat around him, he said, ‘Here are my mother and my brothers! Whoever does the will of God is my brother and sister and mother.’

Here's John's:

When Jesus saw his mother and the disciple whom he loved standing beside her, he said to his mother, ‘Woman, here is your son.’ Then he said to the disciple, ‘Here is your mother.’ And from that hour the disciple took her into his own home.

Thank God for Jesus' redefinition of family. Otherwise I'd be without family who share my faith. But instead, I have two Christian Dads, a Mom, lots of sisters, brothers, aunts, uncles, cousins etc. I have nieces and nephews who I can spoil, and lots of friends I can take out on friend dates. Sure, maybe not all the things I long for can be satisfied in my friendships, but more than I give credit for.

But here's the issue, we severely miss out on experiencing the complete family structure if our community only exists within a certain age group. This isn't a critique of communities with only twenty/thirty-somethings, it just is an encouragement that if your faith community/church doesn't have multiple generations, SEEK IT OUT! You are missing out on the wisdom of those who've lived longer than you, the hilarity of teenagers and the joy of children's excitement. Sure, there's generational differences where cultures don't directly translate to each other, but that's the gift (difficulty... and "growth opportunity") of community. Being in diversity in age, background, etc. isn't easy, but it sure provides for a fuller experience of life. And we all have holes and brokenness in our family, even if it's as simple as you always wanted an older brother. Well, now you can have one. I can see why the early church freaked people out and looked incestuous in a way. But I believe our relationships, done in an intentional healthy way, can truly look familial.

A few months ago, I was on the phone with a soul mate of mine (I have about 5 of these) and she was discussing the importance and priority of biological family (and the family we create when we're married/have children) and it hurt me (she knows this, we've talked about it) because in terms of a biological family that shares my faith and a romantic partner, I'm orphaned and alone without Jesus' redefinition of family.

Another soul mate of mine says that being single would be a lot less painful if the church actually embodied the kind of community that Jesus models. My friend spoke from his own singlehood as well as his mother's.

I was out to drinks with another friend who's been alive longer than I have and he said "when you have a family." I corrected and said "if I have a family."The movie Saved! says it best, "Why would God make us all so different if he wanted us to be the same?" I don't think God ever intended us all to fit into the nuclear family structure (a construct of only the last 200 years at the most). And yet, I'm sitting at the oil change station today, and on the television a commercial for Christian Mingle.com, an online christian dating site, states "Find God's match for you."

We are severely missing the point. Myself included. It's a lot easier to long for a partner, bitch about it over drinks, and try and construct an online profile to force something to happen. It's definitely a temptation of mine.

Instead, I'm trying to pinpoint what it is I long for, and I think it's just more community and family (and sure, the romantic side of things). But being with my friends, having intellectual conversations, going on adventures, meeting different people, it really does bring me joy, in the midst of my longing. It's not this quick fix, or perfect solution, but it's something beautiful, something subversive, something that tells me I am complete because of God, and that I'm not waiting for life to be fulfilled by creating my own family... but instead, I'm inducted into the most beautiful family I could ever ask for. Have you met my dads Lee and Steve? Or been challenged by my sisters Hannah, Mia, Jessicas, Joann, Lauren? Or been ruthlessly teased by the brothers I never asked for, Tyler, Kyle or Jeff? Or been blissfully silly with Charlie or Alexann? Discussed theology with Emily? Argued evangelism over drinks with Mark and Dan? Cried in front of a 2 year old Bella, who then makes you a playdoh cupcake to feel better?

And the family extends most definitely beyond my faith. Tracy (my life partner, my best friend, my other half), Rob, Susan, Jeff, Alden, Marilyn, Hunter, Michaels, etc. And this week/end with my biological family has been incredible. Don't get me wrong, they are some of the most loving, supportive, incredible people I know, who know me intimately and still love me, it's an incredible gift. But the life that Jesus models requires support from folks who are trying to figure it out too, which is why this post focuses on my faith family...or community...or church.

PS- this thought process began many months ago because of a sermon by Ryan Jones from Eucharist church. It's a wonderful community and he is an incredible pastor. Here's his blog which he hasn't written on in two years... I hope this means there's a hidden one I haven't been able to locate :)

25th Year Reflections

2011-11-19T09:11:00.000-08:00

If you read this blog with any consistency (not that I expect ANYONE to) or are friends with me, you know that I love milestones. I will celebrate every anniversary and new year... but the most important milestone to me is my birthday. I am turning 26 in a little over a week. So in the midst of being stressed out at work, studying in coffee shops, getting drinks with friends during the late hours that I allow myself to socialize in, I have this voice in the back of my mind reminding me of all the anniversaries that occur in November: birthday (27th), work (24th, 3 years) and being single (20th) and what these anniversaries mean to me then, now and in the future.

I'll have been single for a year tomorrow. I thought I'd feel discouraged coming to that milestone, but actually I'm quite happy with what being single has forced me to deal with. I don't have the distraction of a relationship to avoid thinking about how I need to grow or in what direction to move. I don't have a person to base these decisions off of, instead, it's God, me and my community.

But it is this very gift of single hood that has thrown me into a year of difficulty and a lot of anxiety about the future. This year has been a year of me realizing my humanity. Wait, that is quite vague and pretentious. This has been a year of me fucking up. Not that I've ever claimed flawlessness, but this year's mistakes are more visible and difficult to ignore, rather then buried beneath a false humility or holy appearance. It's why the original title for my birthday party today was going to be "Fuck 25"... but Tracy said if I didn't want a drinking party (which I didn't, seeing as alcohol is one of a few reasons I came up with such an aggressive birthday title), that I'd have to call it something else. So this is the event I came up with, and this is the visual art that Tracy designed (she's so incredibly talented, check out her blog!):

I want to do something that had nothing to do with the types of celebrations I had in my 25th year. So this one is during the day, a picnic in Golden Gate Park, bundled up and playing games. Granted there may be some mulled wine and a flask of whiskey, but it's not going to be excessive.

So with every milestone, this is a cause for pause, evaluation and reflection. Clearly, I do not want another 25th year. Some steps were made towards growth, I don't want to discount that, but a lot of mistakes I should have made at 18/21 I instead waited until I was 25.

I think this week has been a good (slightly overdone in that I didn't get to sleep until way past midnight every night) example of a fun, eventful, but mature 26 year old self. Two drink maximum, enjoying water, having fun, loving my friends, dancing, attending my friends' concerts, biking home and discussing God with many different types of people. This is the kind of Dani I can be proud of. I don't want to go back to 22/23/24 year old Dani, because she was unnecessarily strict on herself on all the wrong areas to be disciplined in. And it was hard to love her. And if there's anything I've learned on repeat this year is that if I don't love and care for myself to some degree, I am incapable of being the love and care of God to others. And 26 year old (and hopefully every year) Dani wants to embody sincere love and care for others.

I think the anniversary of the end of my last relationship reminds of one way I didn't fuck up at 25: instead of trying to be less care-giving because it was the reason for being dumped, I instead leaned into and embraced my identity as a care-giver. Thanks God.

Jesus and Eastern Spirituality

2011-11-03T22:29:00.000-07:00

[Here's another homework posting in lieu of an original bit of writing. I thought this image that I took at SFO of the outside and inside together was appropriate]

Question: Slavoj Zizek, one of contemporary culture’s most popular philosophers, has posited that the rise of interest in Eastern wisdom has occurred precisely at the moment of Western democratic ascendancy. Why is it do you think that interest in eastern spiritualities SEEMS to be on the rise and how do you think Christians should respond?

My homework posting (in a Starbucks (barf, but it's all I could find in the 'burbs) in Illinois):

I first would preface this by stating that I haven’t studied Eastern spirituality, so forgive me if I make unfair generalizations. The aspects of Eastern spirituality that are most attractive, at least to the people in my life, can also be seen in Christianity. The two aspects of Eastern spirituality that come to mind is the emphasis on meditation and the acceptance of all people.

My favorite professor at my undergraduate university was a practicing Buddhist, and she put a lot of emphasis on the stillness practice, as well as the beauty of repeated actions as a way to transcend thought. But in my Christian faith community, we go on silent weekend retreat and put a heavy emphasis on stillness prayer. Jesus often retreated on his own or with a few of his disciples to meditate and pray.

The second aspect of Eastern spirituality that I’ve seen emphasized through my friends who are in pursuit of an Eastern religion is the importance of mutual respect. My friend would say “you’re a wave, I’m a wave, and we are all in the ocean!” She would say this when describing a friend or acquaintance she disagreed with. I also think that if we truly embodied the love that we discussed last week on this discussion board [Christ's example of love for ALL, not selected people], that we would also be a people of mutual love and respect. Granted, we do not accept all faith as “equal paths to God” that some Eastern religion advocates but mutual respect amongst differing religions is Christ-like.

I don’t have a “response” to Eastern religion or spirituality, instead I have one for Western Christianity: the reason why postmodern culture is moving toward Eastern spirituality is because Christianity has mutated away from the spiritual living that Jesus emulated. And this is a hopelessly optimistic, simplified reading: but maybe people deep down long for the love and way of living like Jesus, aren’t finding in today’s Christianity, so they look elsewhere.

I could also speak on the pluralistic, deconstructed nature of postmodernism, and that Eastern spirituality is more open in structure and belief for this cultural shift than Western Christianity, but I bet someone else will better articulate this than I will. [They did and I WISH I could post it here!]

[Further thoughts after engaging in some discussion with my classmates: I think Eastern spiritualities have a lot to offer us as believers of Jesus. I think that we can learn a lot from other faiths, that might help us better understand our own faith. There is a way to see the truths in other faiths, a way to approach other faiths with respect and humility that many American Christians do not enact, that I believe we as Christians living in postmodernity ought to live out, without losing the message that Jesus spoke. It just requires a lot more intentionality, love and humility... which is a lot of work. But I think would be worth it. Now... to just FIND the time to study Eastern religions! Does the photo make sense now? Two entities being able to coexist while still remaining what they are?]

The Ego of Blogging

2011-10-22T17:07:00.000-07:00

There is an undeniable ego that comes along with being a writer or a speaker. It has to exist, at least in my industry of publishing's perspective. If you are to sell books, you need to be able to articulate why your words will provide a first step or even as extreme as an answer to whatever problem the reader/listener has. Confidence that your words will heal, that YOU are the authority on this topic, that your experiences, your research, your sentence formation, God speaking through YOU, etc is what they need. This is what has kept me from wanting to be published. Well, at least this is what I tell myself.

I received an email from an old friend, who was having a bit of a blogger existential crisis. Which, amongst my many varied 25th year existential crises, is one of them. He basically was concerned with how aware of having a readership audience he was, and how he shared his musings on God to show people how spiritual he was (I hope he's OK with me sharing this... I've never shared about him on this blog before, so I'm sure you won't be able to figure out who this is). But his concerns got me back on this question that I keep coming back to and not knowing what to do with: Why do I blog? Why is it that when I blog, I speak in terms of my thoughts and experiences. I don't even TRY to veil my thoughts by using third person, it's all ME, MY, and I. When I'm learning something at school or get into a good discussion with a friend, I immediately want EVERYONE to know about it. Facebook has only enabled this with status updates. I used to obsessively status update, trying to be as funny as possible. Oy.

Maybe a good place to start is asking why... Why do I blog?

I blog:

1.) It helps me process. I'm an external processor. Having something that forces me to write out my thoughts, and knowing that folks are reading this, holds me accountable to figuring out how I feel/think about something, and also keeps me from half-baking an idea and then acting on it. (Sometimes I think I need to bring more of myself to this blog...I definitely have recently acted on half-baked ideas, not a good move.)

2.) I want to encourage others who might be struggling with the same issues I am.

3.) I want to bring up ideas/concepts that maybe my friends/readers haven't thought about before, or have thought, and provide a forum to discuss them.

4.) Honestly, I have an ego, and I want you to think I'm deep, intelligent, spiritual, cool, all that bullshit.

So what do I do with this? Does #4 cancel out the other reasons I blog? Should I just delete my blog, or write about something else that has nothing to do with me? Do I deny myself and make an anonymous blog? If no one I know is reading my blog, where does the accountability/conversation go? What does God and community look like in this postmodern world of online conversation?

Honestly, I don't know. I see the merit in breaking out of this self presentation culture that facebook and blogging provides (I even changed my facebook profile picture to the above photo...trying to be less all about Dani...but even in doing that...it's still ego). But I also see how God uses this and facebook, how these are valuable tools for my gifts of networking and encouraging.

Fuck.

I have no idea what to do. Quitting blogging is like quitting a crush, I am so weak and I always go back to it/him. Lord show me what to do.

PS- The coffee shop I'm in just put this track on (see below, hit play). It was one of my first songs of San Francisco! It reminds me of some themes that were on my mind then, that are circling back to me now:

The Lie of the Makeover: Our Desire to be Known and Loved

2011-10-16T14:19:00.000-07:00

So I'm at Sugarlump (where I am most days), and I'm procrastinating on writing a journal entry for my online course on Josie and the Pussycats (worst movie ever, but that's for another post), and calling it a "warm up." I was thinking a lot on our desire to be desired, how that ties into physical appearance, but also how at times I've felt repulsed with myself when I've felt pretty.

I'm getting a little ahead of myself and I'm too lazy to outline my argument before I begin, so hopefully this train of thought will stay on its tracks, with only appreciated scenic detours.

Today, several times which reading Murphy's Early Judaism for Daniel Kirk's class, I found my thoughts drifting from Apocalyptic literary devices in the Hebrew Bible (Daniel, if you are reading this...yes I'm behind in my reading for Murphy) to my appearance. I felt this urgency to plan my next physical transformation. Shallow. But it kept happening. So I put the book down and thought about why. Why would plotting a physical transformation for me, in this season of insanity with school, work, community, dog, health, etc, be a productive use of my thoughts and energy? What was at the root of this obsession? To be desired? To feel more fully "myself"?

Let's address the latter first- it leads into the former. Who I am is not how I dress, my identity is how I spend my time, money, energy and heart. But... we use physical cues to clue us into the interior, into the identity. And that's why I am so aware of my appearance, I want those around me to KNOW ME as soon as possible. I want people to know me, and by knowing me, they would (hopefully) love me. It's also an act of protection, if you know me asap, and don't want my friendship, then you can be on your way before I get attached. Ultimately, my personality desires to be loved.

And we finally get to Rihanna. Let's set aside that this song and music video seems to be a young virginal woman telling her man that if he makes her feel like she's the only girl in the world, she'll make him feel like a man...singing this in young pink lingerie, dancing around a GIANT flower (virginity/vagina). I hope this is as obvious to me as it is to all her underage fans. After watching Josie and the Pussycats and reading Branded for my online class... I'm pretty sure it's not. And that makes me ache.

My friend sent me this song when he was playing gchat DJ for me at work (sending youtube links). Most of the jams he sent were pre-1960s blues, some 1980s goth sad bastard music, and contemporary hipster rock. So when he sent me this song, it caused a pause, seemingly out of his range of music taste. And I LOVED it. It completely captured what I wanted. I wanted/want to be some guy's "only girl." I want to be appreciated, valued, loved on a singular level above everyone else. Selfish? Sure. But I also know that I have no issue making the guys I date feel that way, so it isn't one sided.

Stay with me, I swear these topics connect.

I started thinking about my appearance, and wanting to be some guy's only girl in the world. These things connect on something beyond physical attraction. Though we mistaken this, at least I do all the damn time. A few times I had guys who I dated tell me that I was/wasn't their 'type.' It pissed me off because it made me a genre: that this person was dating me b/c of some physical trait that I shared with a group of girls. That I was interchangeable for another girl with the same physical characteristics. Or when friends/acquaintances tell me I'm physically beautiful, it just makes me uncomfortable. What I desire is to hear, "I see your heart, and it is so beautiful." This is why I weekly am tempted to just shave my head and wear sack cloth, so that all people could compliment me is on something deeper. This is also an indicator of my desire to escape, says my therapist.

But how is someone to know my heart right away? It doesn't work that way. We are first attracted to people, in some way or another, and then get to know them. And let's not forget, physical indicators CAN indicate priorities. For instance, my type tends to have facial hair, isn't clean cut, and rides a bicycle. It's not because my estrogen hormones are telling me I want to mate with them, that they are only attractive for the sake of being "hot." No, these physical traits often are indicators of what I'm looking for in a partner: a guy who isn't going with mainstream culture, trying to live simplistically, cares for social/environmental justice, is artistic, etc.

So where does that leave me and my mind? Jesus says that if we work on our interior landscape, the exterior will more readily reflect that, than going from the exterior to the inner (Luke 11:39-41). This route is not instantaneous, it's a process.

Plus, when is finding our ultimate self worth in anything aside from God a good idea? God knows my heart and loves me, all my crazy, quirky, intense, sensitive, emotional, controlling, creative qualities. I just turned Rihanna's "Only Girl in the World" into a song about God. I did this to Wonderwall in school too. Sorry pop music.

Now, I haven't even touched on the self-focused nature of all of this. But I'm a self-involved person, hence my love of blogging. It's something constantly on my mind. I hope that instead of reading this and knowing me more (even though I'd love that), that you will be encouraged and challenged.

Or a much more condescend version of this long-ass post would my homework posting for this week:

The excessive consumption of goods is based in a fear of lack. That if I purchase this item, it is an act of self-protection [I wish I had written self-preservation...but this week's posting was a bit last minute and over caffeinated] against running out of resources. The consumption of identity can also be based in this fear of lack: that if I do not consume the "it" product, that I will somehow be left out of some experience, social association, or that I will "lack" becoming fully myself. It is this fear of lack of wholeness that causes me to think of the necessity of physical transformation (makeovers). Quart [Branded] ties this perfectly to films I watched as a teenager: She’s All That and Clueless [Princess Diaries also CENTERS on this], "The instant transformations promised by the makeover film seems very much a Generation Y phenomenon, an obvious way to speak to kids who have been taught to believe that respect and a new self are merely a new slip dress or new lip gloss away." (88).
This has affected my view of theology in that I also fear a lack and a drive towards the outside changing the inside, in terms of spiritual makeovers. This if I change a habit, or take on a new practice, that I will instantaneously transform. This does not necessarily translate to consumer habits, aside from the occasional impulse book purchase. It does, though, put an unhealthy amount of pressure on my actions changing my heart, which actions can do at times, but it also can result in me being a “clanging gong” because I often do not first have love in my heart (1 Cor 13:1). In my New Testament 1 course Professor Kirk keeps hearkening back to the idea of God’s economy of abundance, seen in the feeding of the four and five thousand. What would this look like if we thought about God’s economy of abundance not just in terms of meeting our physical needs [and desires], such as food and clothing, but also in identity and wholeness? Within Christian culture this may not be a new idea: God giving us wholeness. For me, though, giving up “forcing” a heart transformation and trusting God is a new concept.

Thanks for reading my external processing.

The Theology of Fight Club: My Online Class Homework

2011-10-13T21:41:00.000-07:00

Since school has taken over my mind and time, I have started several posts and have not completed one. So why not use my homework as content? Show you that my absence at gatherings isn't for nothing?

6 of my 7 books for my online course

But in all honesty, I think two classes and a full time job is too much. I feel a little like I'm drowning- I'm in a constant state of being stressed, tired and lonely. This extrovert misses her people! But hopefully that'll change soon, that I'll be able to find the right balance, that I'll let go of trying to get As and just focus on really engaging with what I'm studying, etc. You can pray for my sanity until then, I daily feel a little like I'm going insane. Apparently, this is very common experience in graduate school.

This was my post to my online discussion board for my online course on Postmodern Theology, Film and Youth Culture from last week. The questions were:

What do you think is the most important theological issue raised by the film?

How would you respond theologically to the issues raised by Fight Club?

My response:

I think the theological issue that was most frequently brought up in Fight Club was that of identity, which can clearly be tied to youth culture, especially with the quote "we were raised on television to believe we will also be gods and rock stars". Throughout the entire film Ed Norton's character (as well as Tyler's followers) is trying to find himself. Beginning with his IKEA pornography quote of "What kind of dining set defines me as a person?" to Tyler, a manifestation of his inner longing, wants to get in a fight because "how can you know yourself if you've never been in a fight?" Also, the repetition of "I am Jack's....(insert body part here)" is this repetition of self-identity (I am).

At times I would theologically agree with the film, such as when Tyler says, "You are not the car you drive." On a more macro theological view, though, the film's focuses on the self comes into conflict with what scripture says: it isn't about our individual identity, but our identity in Christ, as his followers (Luke 9:23). Now, Tyler does recruit followers who give up their identities and their names, but this is portrayed as an extremist group through the narrator's eyes, and the film's focus is ultimately on the self. This can be seen through Norton's fascination with Tyler, or the true embodiment of his own desires. He at one point in the film is no longer figuratively searching for himself, he actually physically traces Tyler's (his) steps. He is chasing himself. But the end of the movie, with his willingness to sacrifice himself so that Tyler's efforts are thwarted, is more align with this scriptural notion of dying to your self-focused motives than is not align.

Stuck Somewhere Between Goody Goody and Heretic

2011-09-26T13:50:00.000-07:00

Recently, I've been feeling out of place within the larger body of Christian community. I feel my intentional, principled, type-A, naive, innocent, idealistic, virgin, inexperienced, clean, optimistic self and my alternative, liberal, deconstructionist, anti-everything, fuck-saying, GLBTIQ-accepting, American Christian culture-questioning, alternative faith community-loving, finding-Christ-in-Arcade-Fire-over-worship-music puts me in this middle ground where I feel stuck between two worlds of Christianity in San Francisco. I know this is mostly in my head, because when I start to think about specific friends, I know they're living these two seemingly conflicting selves as well. And I know this is how God made me, and the desires he gives me. But sometimes, depending on the conversation, I'll feeling like a fucking heretic or a ridiculous goody-goody. Or I'll make the person I'm talking to nervous because I disagree with them, or am living differently. I don't judge, and I judge. I want to say what I believe and I want to be accepted/accepting/not alienating of others. How do we have conversations about topics we all feel passionately about, while acknowledging that we all may not know the "right" answer, while also not throwing everything about following Jesus out the window because "we don't know"? What is the bible clear on, and what is our interpretation, or is it all interpretation and if it's all interpretation, how much grace does God have for our interpretations? Does he still love those who thought the world was going to end last May? Does he love me, who doesn't believe homosexuality is a sin (AT ALL)? Does he love those who kill in his name? Does he love those who live a drug free life, who because of their inexperience, judge others? Does he want us to live according to code and principles strictly, or not think on them at all and just love? Does he forgive us for choosing the easy option or forgive us for choosing the legalistic/strict route? Does he want us to be more open-minded and accepting of those who differ from us, since it would be rather arrogant to assume we are living this right?

This could just be another explosion of words because of conversations I've had the past few days with friends, but I also think this is in anticipation of beginning seminary on Wednesday. I'm so nervous and excited. Excited to really learn what the bible says, rather than what's been fed to me. Learn exegesis in an academic, faith-oriented setting. Nervous because the bible may not agree with me, classmates and professors may not agree with me, and maybe I would find comrades in my classes.

This is an unedited out-pouring of words, like most of my blog posts, so I hope you forgive the lack of structure, the insane amount of repetition and the many time I didn't need to use "I" but chose to. It's not because I think I'm the center of the world (although at times I do), I just only have access to my head, heart and experiences.

Seminary is Rapidly Approaching: a Response to Professor Kirk's Letter

2011-09-13T12:56:00.000-07:00

Fuller rents out a wing of this breathtaking Irish Catholic Seminary in Menlo Park. Looks alone make me want to go to this school!!!!

In two weeks and 1 day, I begin graduate level seminary courses at Fuller Theological Seminary in Menlo Park. Already my friend and soon professor blogged this letter to his New Testament 1 students. Since I am signing up for classes today, and one of the two courses being New Testament 1 with Daniel Kirk (the other HOPEFULLY being an online course on gender and sexuality), I thought it would be fun to write a response letter. At the very least Daniel, his wife Laura, and our friends would enjoy it.

Dear Unsuspecting Professor of New Testament 1,

I will be signing up for your course this afternoon, and am looking forward to being in the class in a couple of weeks. I look forward to learning from you. I also am aware that I will not be getting an A just because I can quote The Mountain Goats, but that I will have to, as they say in academia, "bring it." I look forward to calling you Professor Kirk and trying to not look too awkward. You also must be aware I can be an incredible pain in the ass of a student, ask a LOT of questions and have a tendency to use profanity when I discuss topics that I have a passion for, particularly God and the body of Christ.

I appreciate your letter/blog post of concern about the nature of engaging with scripture in an academic setting. I have been warned by several veterans of seminary that my faith will be affected, and that my already constant state of existential crisis will be exponentially heightened. I have friends who either temporarily or less temporarily (I have hope) have lost their faith. But there's something you should know about at least THIS student: I found the bible rather boring until I began to engage with the historical and cultural contexts to which it was written. Exegesis of this magnitude, while frightening, is also a thrilling possibility. I'm ready to be wrong about the interpretations I've made, or have been fed. In fact, I hope what I've learn in my evangelical, southern Californian mega church youth group upbringing is wrong. At least, what I've learn at Eucharist's Context scripture study has proven me wrong thus far. To my delight. To my utter fucking delight.

God has assured me that I am meant to be at Fuller this fall. He has not indicated Winter or Spring or years to come. But I trust he has a reason, and he will be my anchor when the gospels unravel all that I thought I knew about my faith. Knowing that scripture is written by man, and MAY be flawed or misread by the body, is reassuring. And I will also flood your inbox, gchat, office hours (over beer?) with questions. I won't be experiencing this class in a vacuum, as I'm sure you can guess.

As long as you deliver on your promise that I will leave with "a faith worth believing", this will be a great Fall quarter.

Best Wishes,
Dani

The Cost of Being a Disciple: Further 25th Year Existential Crisis

2011-08-24T09:42:00.000-07:00

Snapped on an early morning walk with Olive. Tagged on my neighbor's garage

I've been rereading Luke 14 daily and I'll be honest: what Jesus says about discipleship scares the shit out of me. I want to die to myself, but I'm terrified of what that means. I want to want to lose myself... maybe. The more I study scripture, the more I realize I don't completely understand what it really means to be a disciple. Scripture turns my world and western culture upside down... Seminary is going to be a total mind melt. I hope. I hope it isn't the same exegesis I've been fed since high school. I'm pretty positive it won't be.

I know this isn't news to anyone, but so much culture that has nothing to do with what Jesus said, did and asks us to do exists in Christian culture in the US. Even within alternative communities, like my own. It is in the majority a lot of times in my mind when I'm making a decision or spending money. I feel so trapped by it, but also so obsessed with it, a Stockholm syndrome of sorts. I am a lot of words, and so little action. I'm trying in some ways, small ways, but there's some much "to do" to undo...I don't even know where to begin.

John Donne says it best (My bolds):

BATTER my heart, three person'd God; for, you
As yet but knocke, breathe, shine, and seeke to mend;
That I may rise, and stand, o'erthrow mee,'and bend
Your force, to breake, blowe, burn and make me new.
I, like an usurpt towne, to'another due,
Labour to'admit you, but Oh, to no end,
Reason your viceroy in mee, mee should defend,

But is captiv'd, and proves weake or untrue.
Yet dearely'I love you,'and would be loved faine,
But am betroth'd unto your enemie:
Divorce mee,'untie, or breake that knot againe;
Take mee to you, imprison mee, for I
Except you'enthrall mee, never shall be free,
Nor ever chast, except you ravish mee.
(Holy Sonnet 14)

Retreat and Write

2011-08-18T23:09:00.000-07:00

River Walk at night in San Antonio, TX

I need to write. Beyond this blog. My therapist wants me to write more poems about the issues we are discussing in our sessions, Mark wants me to try and submit something again for Conspire, and my musician friends want me to write music. And I NEED to begin stretching my academic writing muscles for school, or else Professor Kirk is going to get blog posts instead of essays....and I'll fail his class :)

But here's the problem: I've been so busy that ideas aren't fully cooked, emotions (aside from joy or excitement) aren't getting channeled, and I just haven't had time to sit down and write.

As always, my busy-ness is my own doing. Especially this year: I've been trying to get in better touch with the playful, fun, adventurous side of myself. I can be so fearful and controlling...and I just wanted to be busy, fun, and impulsive. And I've been both rewarded and embarrassed because of it. (Just in case you hadn't learned this one: impsulsivity + excessive amounts of alcohol= really embarrassing stories.)

But now...now I need to rest and restore and reflect. R&R&R. My weekends are packed and my September is looking insanely busy. But thankfully this weekend has some empty patches of time, which I'll try to not fill up. And then the following weekend I'm taking a "monastic" retreat to the Jensens' home in Santa Cruz...the home where the guest room is called Dani's room. Brian and I are going to brew beer, I'm sure Kristin and I will have loads of God discussions, I want to ride bikes, we'll cook together and hopefully I can take some long walks down to the Capitola beach by myself.

It's a tough dance, I want to accept myself as who I am: someone who LOVES to be active. But I also want to recognize the beauty in rest and stillness. I know I've posted this video before, but I'm pretty sure it's been at least two years since I have:

Tour Dates: If I were in a band

2011-08-11T05:46:00.000-07:00

If I were in a band, my tour dates would be (but in actuality these are publishing/personal tour dates):
8/11-16: San Antonio, TX SFO>Denver>SA
8/26-29: Santa Cruz, CA
9/2-5: Seattle, WA
9/9-10: Santa Cruz, CA (Morgan and Sarah's Wedding!!!)
9/22-?: Atlanta, GA
10/29-11/3: Chicago, IL

There goes all my weekends...and then I started school 9/28, 8 units... Loved ones, prepare to not see me a whole lot.

Off to SFO!!! Pray for my flight this morning and then another this afternoon!

Uncertainty Principle

2011-08-03T16:57:00.000-07:00

In quantum mechanics, the Heisenberg uncertainty principle states precise inequalities that constrain certain pairs of physical properties, such as measuring the present position while determining future momentum of a particle. Both cannot be simultaneously done to arbitrarily high precision. In other words, the more precisely one property is measured, the less precisely the other can be controlled, determined, or known.- Wikipedia

While reading the preface to one of our manuscripts I was introduced to the Heisenberg uncertainty principle and completely geeked out. Maybe it's because it makes the book The Principles of Uncertainty title make sense, but it's something more than that. That we can only be certain about either present location or future momentum, but never both, I wonder if it can be applied to life. Clearly we usually have access to present location rather than future momentum, but do we ever have access to future momentum and lose sight of present location? That we are whirling down our life path, and are so caught up in the speed that we don't know where we are? I think this happens on my long walks to work, or when I bike once in a blue moon. I'm so focused on my speed that I completely forget where I am until I stop and look or something startles me. Autopilot can be a scary sensation. I know some love it, and I've had two guy friends describe different experiences as a sort of time travel (sleep and being black-out drunk, not that anyone is endorsing heavy drinking).

Personally, I think it is crucial to know your current location, rather than get caught up in momentum. I think momentum (time travel) is more romantic in notion but ultimately it is more removed. You're connecting to speed and motion, but not to relationships or locations. And the sensation of momentum, in at least my experience, your brain is off. Sometimes that is necessary, but I mostly like consciousness. Then again I did write 25 pages on the state of ecstasy (your brain is beyond thought) being a spiritual experience.

Plus my big struggle is being aware of my present location....I use momentum to escape. I need to slow down and become aware of the present rather than being caught up in momentum. Though momentum sure can be fun. I have an incredible friend who is currently being an example of this to me, she constantly has to slow down and remind herself to be present when her natural tendency is to be swept up in the momentum (she's an enneagram 7). She's taken up practicing yoga and meditative prayer.

I need to do this, but already my calendar is so full that I have no clue where I can fit it in.

Here's my attempt:

Present location: I am sitting on my bed, working from home because our apartment locks got all messed up and someone needed to be home to meet with the maintenance man. I'm excited to go to therapy tonight and tell my therapist all about my weekend and the amazing realizations I had about Dad. Olive is curled up on the floor in my blue Mexican blanket. I'm still tired from a lack of sleep over the long weekend, but tonight I'm staying up late to chat with Mia and her girls via skype...and introduce them to Olive. I started reading T.S. Eliot's Four Quartets but I cannot seem to get past the first stanza of the first poem, it's so good! And I think it aligns with this uncertainty principle.

Burnt Norton by T.S. Eliot

Time present and time past
Are both perhaps present in time future,
And time future contained in time past.
If all time is eternally present
All time is unredeemable.
What might have been is an abstraction
Remaining a perpetual possibility
Only in a world of speculation.
What might have been and what has been
Point to one end, which is always present.

Elated and Horrified

2011-07-23T19:27:00.000-07:00

I started writing a blog post about how awesome my Wednesday was, and then Friday happened, and it's Saturday now, so I thought I'd combine a longish post on a great Wednesday and a sad Friday.

Elated

Wednesday was a really good day, and I felt so undeserving of being showered in good things left and right. I was overwhelmed and elated. There were two big gifts and then a bunch of just small, really lovely things, that in the midst of awkward or "off" interactions, I felt confident enough to not let it spoil the day. Everyday I feel I'm growing, either it's last Sunday when I feel the growing pains and the realization that my growth and development is lifelong, and not just my 25th year, or Wednesday, when I feel myself taking large strides to not be overly sensitive to how others receive me and to speak up for myself when needed.

So the two especially awesome events that took place Wednesday:

1.) I got into Fuller Theological Seminary!!! Ok, so I'm not really sure how long I'll be there for, it may only be a year, and they may let in 75% of their applicants, but I'm continuing my education and that excites me! The campus is gorgeous too. And for some reason, I feel very confident that God wants me there, so I am curious to see why.

2.) My submission for the All Songs Considered Podcast got posted onto the blog! They had asked listeners to submit the song that made them cry, as well as email or SoundCloud an audio of them explaining why that song makes them cry for a podcast episode. I didn't make onto the podcast. Not that I was surprised, they said they received 8,000 submissions! BUT i got onto the All Songs Considered Blog (scroll down to the Cat Power entry)! I was beaming all day.

Horrified:

I woke up sick on Friday and stayed home. Then my friend told me about the tragedy that happened in Oslo and Utøya. I immediately panicked and messaged everyone I met when I was in Oslo in May.

Thankfully most of the sub church folks were out of the city on a retreat with our SF friends Mark and Lisa Scandrette. Everyone I met and kept in touch with via facebook and email got back to me pretty quickly and said they were ok. One of the guys was near the blast, which is scary, so you can be praying for him. Honestly, I do not understand how anyone could do that to anyone, but to youths? To Norsk people? To your own people? Clearly the attacker was mentally unbalanced, taking his belief in Christianity and skewing it towards violence. It also broke my heart how quickly people were ready to blame an extremist group from the middle east. Before we knew who or why the attacks happened, my friend Mari, who is Gun's best friend and cousin, wrote in Norsk on her FB wall "keep a cool head and a warm heart." Blessed are the peacemakers.

Most tragedies that happen have happened in cities that I've never been to, I even haven't be to NY yet, so while my heart usually breaks, there's something about having JUST been in a city, walked its streets, loved the people I met, secretly planned how I might try to live there, etc. that makes it all the more horrifying. Especially when you see photos of places you visited so recently, like on this blog post. And to know that Gun, Stian and their daughter Lilly and the friends I made when I was over there could have been in harm's way makes my chest physically ache. Yes violence always makes me sad, but loving the city that violence was inflicted upon, it horrifies me. Especially such a peaceful, beautiful city and country. I cannot even begin to fathom what my friends and the rest of the Norsk people are feeling.

Please be praying for the people of Oslo and Norge.

It's so surreal that emotions can change so quickly from one day to another. Again, I cannot even imagine how the people of Norge are feeling.

The Next Step Isn't as Small as I Thought

2011-07-11T07:59:00.000-07:00

The weapon I want to wield

Typically I don't do a series of posts (aside from the Deconstructionist Christians Part 1 and 2), but this is a follow up post on my previous post. I end with talking about small steps being what leads to transformation. And then I started thinking about why my heart wasn't in a place of love and compassion that it had been in the past (I think it has in the past been there? Maybe it never has), and what I was doing. I knew I was avoiding dealing with my heart and its issues by keeping myself insanely busy (I'm REALLY good at that), but yesterday as I was reflecting I realized that I have been trying to get at the core that I described here as "this molten core deep in my "heart" that I cannot seem to get to, but I see it's effects. I see the lava spilling out onto the surface: in my relationships and in my insecurities, but I cannot seem to access what I know is a fucking mess of emotions."

My mentors have in the past given me tools to try to understand this core, but yesterday I realized I needed to go back to therapy. My friend described her experience of realizing she had to go back to therapy as admitting defeat (she of course later rejoices in her decision), but in all actuality, I feel empowered. I know this is a good next step, maybe not as small as I thought when I wrote the previous post. It's the whole popular saying of you can't love others unless you love yourself. These past few months I've been loving myself quite well- but more in that showering myself with gifts of travel, singing lessons, concerts, etc. Now this is a deeper, more care giving move for myself, loving myself enough to think it's worth time and money to go back to therapy. Mothering myself a bit.

I was SO joyful yesterday about this! As I shared it with others though, I think that it was more of a "duh" move to them: one of them had been harping on me these past 8 months to go back to therapy. But there's something in knowing why for myself, for getting to that conclusion on my own. Plus, being around my peers last weekend in Long Beach and hearing about the healing they were experiencing in their own therapy session was inspiring. I like that yesterday was the day I started my tattoo, I love having tattoos act as alters: ways we can remember events, marking them in the sand (skin) with stones (ink). I know I'm putting a lot of hope in this, but I can because I know this is a move God wants. And I'm so elated to do it.

Justin Vernon, Shaine Claiborne and Brian Jensen on Transformation

2011-07-09T19:08:00.000-07:00

Look at that face!

Recently, in a podcast interview on NPR, Justin Vernon shared the following reflections on the 25th year turning point and the years that follow of the late 20s (Dani's italics inserted):

JG (NPR Interviewer): When you were writing For Emma at your dad's cabin, I've read that you were at a lower point in your life. What was your state of mind over the three years you spent writing these songs?
JV: Well, I think it's interesting about the time at the cabin and the months prior and the months after. Yeah, it was low. But it was more like an opportunity. It was sort of like an apex being like, there's choices you can make. You've grown up, 25, 26 years old. And now you have to realize you're kind of in control of most of the stuff happening in your life, and if you're not happy about them, you have to actually do stuff about it. And there were dark times during the For Emma tour where I was homesick, or I was not figuring stuff out or whatever. But I think the last three years has been mostly about getting patted on the back every time I make a decision that is good; that isn't based on some bad set of points. That's good for community or music. And not based on any other decisions. And I think trying to get healthy and treat myself better and treat people around me better, it's much healthier now. And I have [For Emma] to thank for that, but not because of the success that it brought. But because it was my last chance to do something, to actually step out and be myself and not edit anymore. And I think the metaphor for the rest of my life is kind of everything keeps growing and glowing at the same time.

I keep feeling this urgency attached to this time in my life, especially this 25th year (which is more than half complete!). I am in this ideal time of transformation (or apex as Justin says): being single, starting school, having a stable job, no recent deaths/heartbreak/anxiety attacks, NOW is the time to be intentional and open to change! Ironically, now is the time that I've been the most stubborn and distracted--- keeping myself so busy that I'm not being open to hearing God move. With all the fun activities I've partaken in, I've unintentionally (unconsciously intentional) detached myself from 'the vine.' I realized this yesterday on my walk to work, and I feel so guilty and disappointed with myself.

Last night my plans fell through and I found myself in my pjs at 8:30pm, feeling so unawesome and unproductive, but nothing on my to do list was appealing to me. I was restless and it took longer than I'd like to admit that this was a perfect time to spend some time with God: something I hadn't done since being in Long Beach (and even that was only in the mornings on the last two days after I realized how unaware I was of God in the midst of all the interactions and fun I was having). Since I was feeling restless and uninspired, even reading the bible or reflecting in my journal was unappealing, I tuned into youtube and watched a sermon Shane Claiborne gave at Biola. While I've read most of his books and have watched videos of him speaking before, his words consistently hit that spot that longs for a life that reflects a love of Jesus. It's 38 minutes long, but it's well-spent time I think, unless you know his words/books and don't need them repeated like I do:
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The big push he makes here is that we need to get beyond believing and talking, and starting DOING. Yes, I realize the irony of me blogging on this, but for me, I have to reflect before I can take action. Especially action that is not easy, nor am I naturally inclined to do. Scripture (and Shane mentions this in the video too) says "If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast, but do not have love, I gain nothing." (1 Cor 13:3). For me, blogging is a way to reflect and align my heart (IE make sure there is love involved) in order that I might take action. Plus it's great accountability. Having a 3 wing (enneagram personality profile babble) I REALLY care about appearances, so when I say I'm going to do something- I'm going to do it. Maybe it's exploiting my vanity and is a roundabout/ineffective way of living like Jesus...but it's my current tactic for getting me to change. You can challenge me on that anytime.

If the podcast on Thursday, and the video last last wasn't enough to stir me, I had the following conversation yesterday on gchat with Brian Jensen:

Brian: we talked in our small group the other night about fears we have about growing towards a god centered life, and a few of us really feared that we would lose friends in the process. but i feel inspired to grow, and accept that risk

but you cant leave me. you have an obligation to be my friend for life

1:06 PM me: hahaha

that's what I want too- a more god-centered life

you can't shake me even if you tried brian

Brian: i wont try

me: God is very much the reason we are so close- i firmly believe

1:07 PM Brian: yeah, i thought about the friends who i truly admire and the people i truly want to be like when im older and they all are focused on god in pretty much everything

1:08 PM kristin brought up that cs lewis quote: We are half-hearted creatures, fooling about with drink and sex and ambition when infinite joy is offered us, like an ignorant child who wants to go on making mud pies in a slum because he cannot imagine what is meant by the offer of a holiday at the sea. We are far too easily pleased.

I think sometimes I get wrapped up in the question of what does a God-centered life look like...but in all honesty, I think we know the answer to that, we just are scared or lazy to take that first step. Obviously, we cannot do this on our own, but I do think God looks for that first step, no matter how small it is. I can think of plenty of steps, but now I am having trouble choosing one. I don't want to recklessly make a decision, but I also don't want to stall. And, what makes this tough, is that the first step isn't a leap, some dramatic public statement, but is a series of daily small steps, daily asking God to use me in seemingly boring ways. Considering what a 'fraidy cat I can be, I actually prefer that...

I know this year is a year of transformation, it's a great time for a life shift, so we'll see what God brings, but for now, I need to "bring it" daily in the little things, taking time to be with God and align my heart with his... And in the midst of working on this post over a series of hours throughout the day when I had time... I've already fucked up several times over. So thankful for grace.

Reflections While Long Beach is Still Fresh

2011-07-06T20:33:00.000-07:00

Getting out of town is something I love to do once a month. And even though it was less than 2 months from Oslo, I was in need of another escape.

What I love most about the Long Beach community is how rest is a communal activity. That we all lay around reading, drawing, writing, playing music TOGETHER! It's productive, communal rest.... I've been searching for my type of rest, and I think this is it.

Seeing how much the girls loved Abbott their rabbit made me excited about the dog Tracy, Lydia and I are going to get!

Honestly, I love this woman so much. I was concerned all the time together would wear on us, but I truly didn't want to part when we got to the BART station. She and I long so much for the same kind of community and relationship with God, it was so encouraging to be around her all weekend.

I got to spend time with the Kemps, need I say more? Two of my very favorite people. Tyler even wore the "Dani Fan Club" shirt Kathryn made him in high school to the 4th of July BBQ. Made me so happy and feel so loved.

Getting to be around my best friend was much needed. It was nice to talk to her in person, rather than our almost daily phone calls. It always was so encouraging to see her and Derek connecting with this awesome community, and see the community getting really excited about them too! I could gush on and on about my friends...

The biggest desire I had for the weekend was met: spending time with my peers: in age, faith, lifestyle, goals. I felt completely normal for a weekend, rather than the "hipster" or the "single, young one" or the "old soul" or the "christian." It's dangerous, I definitely thought about how nice it would be to live in Long Beach. But I also am so thankful for the variety of folks in my life in SF. I just needed to recharge... and I did.

Thanks God for a great long weekend in Long Beach. It was much needed, in so many ways I haven't even mentioned. I feel recharged and happy to be home in SF, motivated and inspired. I can only hope my presence down there blessed the Long Beach friends as much as they did me. I'm so thankful I have Emily near by, so I can have my mini Long Beach sessions whenever one of us hops on BART!

And San Francisco loves, I could rave for a whole post on why I love you, why you bless me, why I'm meant to be here. But right now, I want to honor the weekend I had, with the amazing hosts and friends I got to be around.

Brian Jensen Posts Great Music and Videos (and my responses)

2011-06-28T16:32:00.000-07:00

Brian in his natural habitat, sans beer. Taken when I was visiting him and his lovely wife Kristin

Brian Jensen is a genius. He posted two beautiful videos to the Mezzanine Level today (a FB group where our friends share what music is blowing their minds). I can't really take much of any credit for these videos, but I want to have all the black&white&dancing videos in a post, and then I responded to another post of his which the musician was walking backwards, etc. etc.

one: (Brian's post)

two:

three: (Brian's suggestion, I CANNOT believe this one slipped my mind!)

This: (Brian's post)

and that:

and and that:

(bonus points for it being by Michel Gondry)

Further down the rabbit hole:

(another Gondry gem)

15 Links I Highly Recommend

2011-06-26T16:06:00.000-07:00

1.) 11 Things to Know at 25(ish)- Relevant Magazine
Jessica sent this to me the other day, and I agree with all of it. I need to print this out and put it on my wall to remember what is most important, what is to be done now, and what is something I can't force.

2.) Article on Amazing Forgiveness
An incredible article on a man showing the kind of forgiveness and love we should all be showing.

3.) This American Life's Episode on Breaking Up
In December, a month post break up, I was still hurting. My awesome roommate Lydia sent me this podcast episode and the first part of it definitely made me cry.

4.) Heartbreak Physically Hurts
I'm not heartbroken at all anymore, but when I read this in December it made me feel better, and I wanted to make sure others got to read it.

5.) NPR's Tiny Desk Concerts
It's shocking how many people have not seen these. They are incredible. And I love Bob Boilen :) These inspired the following link:

6.) In My Bedroom Shows
Yeah, yeah shameless promotion. Deal with it. I have amazingly talented friends, and I want to share their art with the e-world.

7.) Incredible Soundtracks on Bandcamp
Emily posted this a few months ago, and these mixes are the perfect background music for doing work, feeling inspired, everything! There's a mix for every mood.

8.) McSweeney's The Future of Books
I work in publishing and we are faced with e-publishing and the future of books everyday, so this made me chuckle.

9.) Free Embroidery Patterns
For those of you who embroider, you know how awesome it is to find free patterns!

10.) Embroidered Portraits
I will NEVER be this good, it hurts a little to see this site, but the portraits are so gorgeous, I had to share.

12.) Amanda Wachob Tattoos
Amazing, unique tattoos. I'm sure after being featured on Design Sponge, she is going to be booked solid for years.

13.) Cris Cleen Tattoos
I'm so excited to have this SF artist tattoo me! My appointment is in exactly two weeks! Ekk!

14.) rorrimkcalb
Arcade Fire's interactive website created for the release of Neon Bible. The title track is called Black Mirror. This is a fun website to play around with.

15.) The Wilderness Downtown
Another interactive website from Arcade Fire, this one with the release of The Suburbs. Needs Google Chrome to run, but it's well with the 5 minutes it takes to download and install Chrome. Very emotionally moving, if you let it affect you.

In My Bedroom Shows Launch Today!

2011-06-21T08:59:00.000-07:00

For the past three months, I've been busy recording shows, asking friends for advice/help, waiting anxiously, describing and trying to keep up momentum on the In My Bedroom Shows website, and finally, today, bugs and all, I'm launching it! Right now I'm anxiously awaiting the extremely generous Jessica Kemp to link the blog up with the URL.... !!!!!!!!!! I'm so excited! I even got cute little business cards. The site's URL is http://inmybedroomshows.com/ and it'll go live some time today, so keep checking it! But if you are impatient and JUST CAN'T wait... then click here.

Folks kept asking me what is my goal with the site, and I didn't really have one, aside from getting to hang out with my friends/make new musician friends and listen to their music/encourage their art. I hope to help the Skeltons in their goal of building a community of musicians who help each other in their musical pursuits. Plus, I needed a project I could throw myself into to keep me stimulated until school starts in the fall. Hopefully by the time school starts end of September/beginning of October I'll have a routine with the site, so I'll be able to keep it going while in school. And I'm also hoping to have others contribute to it as well by then, but we'll see! It's all very exciting.

Oh and I finally after 3 years decided to change the red hair and go to my natural color, which I haven't been in almost ten years. Right now it's a bit darker than my natural color, in order to cover the red but it'll fade to the light brown/dark blonde that I naturally am:

Hair by Angi Lemucchi, my dear friend who just moved to SF!

I'm hoping to move in a more natural direction with my looks... maybe that will translate to less time spent on my appearance... at least that's the goal with the color change. Angi talked about how hair is a statement, whether we intend it to be or not, so that's mine.

Required Listening for all twentysomethings

2011-06-17T10:28:00.000-07:00

Best Song (So Far): My 20s were just one long existential crisis, and this song is all about coming to the understanding that your life doesn't have to be remarkable to be fulfilling. You don't have to build a rocket ship and fly it to the moon or invent a cure for cancer to have a meaningful, important life. This song should be required listening for all twentysomethings who may be dealing with these same issues and questions. --Robin Hilton

Amen, Robin Hilton.

I remember three or four years ago when Jon was going through his 20s existential crisis, and I callously wrote it off as a clique or him overreacting... and now I find myself in that same state. I am the 25 year old clique daily. That's why this song, playing in my headphones right now, even after listening to it 50 times, still hits that emotional spot. I'm in my cubicle tearing up a bit, partially hormonal (thanks a lot estrogen), but mostly my mind's landscape for the past year.

Frequent Flyer

2011-06-13T18:12:00.000-07:00

Waiting at the BART station for the train to SFO

Once a month, every month, from April through December, I have and will be out of town on either business or pleasure. With the exception of my July trip, all transportation for these excursions will be via airplane. I am in awe of God's strength in getting me back on an airplane! Since April 2010, I've been on 21 flights! I've gotten to see family, visit 3 foreign cities, see dear friends, try amazing food and beer, meet wonderful, inspiring people and I'm just so thankful! And there are 7 more flights to go this year at least (I'm counting it per take off, so my trip to europe was 4 flights, since i had to endure 4 take offs!). Thanks God, seriously, I never knew I loved travel so much, but now I can't get enough of it!

Brought to you by travel: Tonight after I'm done selling books at this conference, my dear friend Mark and his wife Christy, both of whom I went to school with (jr. High through college!), will pick me up and have me over for dinner... Did I mention that after UCSC he went to culinary school?! Here's his and her catering site. SO excited to taste his cooking! Oh and since Christy was a grade ahead of me in high school, she was kind enough to lend Mark to me for prom. He was the best dressed one there:

Mark and I: Prom 2004

There may be even more international travel in my future, and for that I'm SO thrilled. I hope I'm able to get another trip to Olso out of it! Maybe I can rake up enough frequent flyer miles with United to make it happen!

The Short List or Why I'd Rather Stay Single

2011-06-11T23:52:00.000-07:00

Another post that I started, stopped, revised, worried that I'd be judged or misread, saved, waited and finally tonight, 2 months later, I'm saying "fuck it" and posting it:

A friend told me that she made a "short list" of the vital qualities a potential partner had to have, in order to put it out into the universe so the universe would deliver such a man. Well, I don't personally believe that it works that way, but I did like the actual idea of the list in terms of me reflecting on what actually matters in a future partner. Not if he had a beard, rode a bike or made music, but the sincere qualities that are non negotiable. I would encourage all my single friends to make such a list, it has really helped me the last couple of months to keep perspective when I've found myself attracted to men who do not have these qualities. I remind myself of the list, how the gentleman (who is a wonderful human being) lacks this or that crucial quality, and gently coax myself out of the crush.

my short list:

1.) a love of Jesus and a life that reflects that love (including a heart for justice and a deep compassion for people)

2.) a desire to care for me and an appreciation of the care I will give him

3.) is intelligent, can "keep up with me" (wit) and respect my intelligence

4.) a love of any sort of creative pursuit, doesn't have the be the same as mine.

5.) is an active participant in his life: pursues his passions, pursues and initiates with me, cares about his growth and development emotionally, spiritually, creatively (similar to #1 & 4).... I think a love of travel aligns with this. But, then again, he might not be as surface-ly active as I seem, and that might even be better. He might be someone who is better at pursuing silence, retreat, meditation, which would be a beneficial challenge.

I read this list to Joann over the phone and she said that if I end up with a guy that matches this it will be miraculous. She finds that encouraging. Miraculous being her reaction to my list of the BARE essentials makes me a little discouraged. But seriously, I look at this list and if someone doesn't have these qualities, I'd rather stay single. (And I also know that there are men that exist with these qualities, because many of my guys friends exude these qualities, and I so respect them and cherish their friendship.)

Plus there is a lot of freedom in being single, and right now, I'm really enjoying it. There's so much I've gotten to do and will get to do in the next couple of months! Ryan visited today, and we sat at Crissy Field on a pier facing the Golden Gate Bridge and talked. He said if I was supposed to be with someone, I would be, that God wasn't punishing me by keeping me single, but instead there's a reason why I'm solo right now, that I'm in a process of learning and growing. I completely agree. I can't even begin to list what I've already learned, and there's so much more I know I will be learning.

Of course I get lonely and anxious about all this. I spend a lot of times with my married friends and their kids and I so badly want to be a mother and a wife. But acknowledging the loneliness, insecurity, and anxiety's existences and choosing to trust God has helped some.

Thanks to Sarah Montoya for sending this quote my way:

"... the more I think about loneliness, the more I think that the wound of loneliness is like the Grand Canyon-- a deep incision in the surface of our existence which has become an inexhaustible source of beauty and self-understanding. Therefore I would like to voice loudly and clearly what might seem unpopular and maybe even disturbing: The Christian way of life does not take away our loneliness; it protects and cherishes it as a precious gift. Sometimes it seems as if we do everything possible to avoid the painful confrontation with our basic human loneliness, and allow ourselves to be trapped by false gods promising immediate satisfaction and quick relief. But perhaps the painful awareness of loneliness is an invitation to transcend our limitations and look beyond the boundaries of our existence. The awareness of loneliness might be a gift we must protect and guard, because our loneliness reveals to us an inner emptiness that can be destructive when misunderstood, but filled with promise for [those] who can tolerate its sweet pain."- The Wounded Healer, Henri J. M. Nouwen

God, let me not try to escape my loneliness, but to embrace it. Let me not settle for what is easy, immediate, but let me trust in you and the good things you have for me. Confession: I HAVE been trying to escape my loneliness by keeping myself busy and around friends. Something you can be pray about for me.

Essay Question for Fuller's Application

2011-06-10T14:22:00.000-07:00

"Reflect on your past Christian experience, including the most significant spiritual event/influence in your life, the role of Christ in your religious experience, the effect your faith has on your worldview, your involvement in Christian service, your perceived gifts/calling for ministry, and your reason(s) for attending your church. (minimum 250 words; maximum 500 words)"

....Seriously? in 500 words? Can't I just send them a link to this blog? :)

Life Ch-ch-changes

2011-06-09T23:32:00.000-07:00

Munch's Scream

I am in the process of realizing how drastically my life is going to change once I start school in the fall. No longer will I be a leader of ReImagine, nor will I have much of any free time to socialize. It makes me a little worried about some of my friendships, that perhaps some will fall away or that some of my friends will feel unloved because I'm too busy to hang out as much as we'd like. But I guess that's where the reliance on God will need to take a more active role. Being such an extrovert, and LOVING being all over the place with different projects and friendships, it's going to be hard to reign myself back in and focus the majority of my time and energy on work and school. But I'm also excited by the possibly of a new challenge, a chance to grow and, most importantly, look to God for emotional provision, rather than my relationships. I know I can skew things so that God is in the minority and my friendships are in the majority. This will, hopefully, be a good shock to my system.

In the meantime, pray that I begin to let go of some commitments and better understand the prioritizing of my friendships. I think with the oncoming seminary "doom to my social life" I am, like a decorator crab, trying to collect as many adventures and new tasks/lessons as I can before school starts. Because of this, I am averaging 5-6 hours of sleep a night, have had zero time to pray about my application essays, call the financial aid office at Fuller, finish my reconciliation email, etc. But apparently, I have time to blog... Crap.

Song that I've been listening to on repeat today, and the video is pretty fantastic too:

The Foolishness of Faith

2011-06-08T10:11:00.000-07:00

The Sanctuary at St. Patrick's Seminary (Where Fuller Seminary rents space)

I started this blog post at the end of March, and today I just found the draft... and I wanted to finish it now, because it is still on my mind.

¹⁸ For the message of the cross is foolishness to those who are perishing, but to us who are being saved it is the power of God. ¹⁹ For it is written: “I will destroy the wisdom of the wise;
the intelligence of the intelligent I will frustrate.”
²⁰ Where is the wise person? Where is the teacher of the law? Where is the philosopher of this age? Has not God made foolish the wisdom of the world? ²¹ For since in the wisdom of God the world through its wisdom did not know him, God was pleased through the foolishness of what was preached to save those who believe. ²² Jews demand signs and Greeks look for wisdom, ²³ but we preach Christ crucified: a stumbling block to Jews and foolishness to Gentiles, ²⁴ but to those whom God has called, both Jews and Greeks, Christ the power of God and the wisdom of God. ²⁵ For the foolishness of God is wiser than human wisdom, and the weakness of God is stronger than human strength. (1 Corinthians 1:18-25 (NIV))

I don't know if it is simply the life stage my age group is in, or if it's the current trend, but I find a lot of my friends in a place of severely questioning their faith, to the point of removing themselves from community or the label of a believer (now I don't mean the whole "I'm a follower of Jesus vs. I'm a Christian vs. some other label that means believer", I mean not identifying with God or Jesus at all anymore). I feel so helpless, because while I have my moments of deep doubts and questioning, I always find myself back in belief. I think part of this is because I wasn't raised in a faith-focused household, so my faith has always been my own, and doesn't have any associations with my upbringing.

In March, Nico and I were reading through 1 Corinthians together and I read the above passage and found it comforting in regards to this insecurity of mine (I hate to say I'm insecure because I believe, I feel like that is such an extreme way to put it, I'm not ashamed, I'm just bewildered why I believe and some of my friends don't). Faith isn't going to make sense and it isn't a magical power that we can conjure up signs to prove it. So many of us look for it to be logical (think David Bazan's questions on his latest album) or for a feeling/sign (praying that God proves his existence to us)- and clearly this passage is stating that we are going to be disappointed if that is what we are looking for. Of course, there is some logic in this belief system, and miracles/experiences do happen... but that's not what we are to base our faith on. So what is it? What do we point to and say THIS is why I believe? I don't think a "this" exists because would completely undermine the point of faith.

But in all of this, I don't have a lot of answers, just lots of helpless shrugs. I know I believe. Perhaps according to the world's standards this is ignorance, and this verse above and several other passages say a similar response: we are going to look foolish. As more peers dislodge themselves from their faiths, I begin to sit and wonder if I'm just a simpleton. Don't get me wrong, I do have doubt. It just isn't in the majority.

I want so badly for my friends to know and love God. But I also know there is no convincing anyone into faith, it doesn't work that way. Then his/her faith is based off of your relationship together, and not a dependence on or transformation by God. And while the church is a body of believers, I do think our faith also needs to be a personal, direct connection between the individual and God, or else when the community fucks up, that person will also blame God. That's how at least one of my dearest friends lost her faith, and I know there are more folks like her. While there's nothing I can do but pray, it's good for my type of personality to know this is something I can't force or manipulate in others, and this leaves me no other option than to look to God.

Oslo, Jeg Elsker Deg

2011-06-07T22:44:00.000-07:00

It's time for some Oslo appreciation. Since my return from my trip I cannot get that city out of my mind, and a big part of that is the music that is coming out of Norway! It's wonderful!

The next two videos I have my new friend Johanne to thank for:

And I'm on a KoC BINGE:

Damn, I want to live in this music video. Not even sure it was filmed anywhere in Norway, I just love this park, laying on blankets and good music.

But yes, since returning from Oslo I've been on a Norsk music binge, the poor Mezzanine Level (a facebook group Morgan started where we share what tunes we're listening to) has be inundated with Norsk postings from me...and my Norsk friends. Some of my postings:

Today I was at Blue Bottle with Mark discussing the book launch party, and I overheard someone mentioning Norway and I got completely distracted. I'm pretty sure I've told Mark and Lisa several times now how envious I am of their trip. I'm not sure when or how I'll get back to Oslo, but it needs to happen.

Oslo, jeg elsker deg!

Life Focus

2011-05-31T22:54:00.000-07:00

Romans 12: 1-2 Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God—this is your true and proper worship. Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.

I was tempted to make this another triptych, but then I would be posting Helplessness Blues by Fleet Foxes for a second post in a row...and that feels like cheating. So instead you'll get my words....and then the lyrics to that song, it's on repeat in my brain, particularly on this topic.

So while I am a dedicated member and leader with ReImagine, I have been attending Sunday gatherings at a church called Eucharist. I had started going because of their historically focused scripture study, and stayed for the incredible people and engaging sermons. This last Sunday's threw me for a loop.

Ryan and Arlen spoke together on the above verses from Romans and Matthew 6:25-34, the third night in a series called Seeking God First. They spoke about how we as Christians tend to use God to promote ourselves, that in our self-absorbed culture we thinking about God coming into our lives and guiding our individual stories, rather than thinking of ourselves as something that is inserted into God's larger narrative and joining a body. We think as individuals with individual stories, rather than as a collective serving God's purposes. That our faith is similar to an accessory or a lens through which to view ourselves and our own lives.

Talk about blowing my mind and deflating my ego. This blog completely confirms this concept, I'm very focused on my individual experience of God, sure because I am self-absorbed. But also because I trust my story and am skeptical of others. I also write this blog because we do often feel alone in our pain and questions and insecurities when it comes to God. I feel as though we insecurely think there are only two camps: those who believe without question and those who walk away from their belief. But I want this blog to show that you can question, be insecure, fuck up, and still be a believer. That was slightly tangential and I apologize.

Ryan and Arlen went on to say about how we need to have a change of mind frame. That instead of thinking about ourselves, our personal, individual journeys, we should be open and available to how we can function within God's journey/narrative (although I do think that in order to get to this point there need to be some individual discipleship and growth). I'm not sure I 100% got everything they were saying, and perhaps I'm completely misunderstanding- it wouldn't be the first time. But I do understand the need to think outside of the individual story, and into the corporate body's function within God's narrative. I'm not going to lie, me changing in this way sounds impossible, I'm feeling pretty discouraged, weak and frustrated. But I also know that they're right. Damn it.

Cue the Fleet Foxes (italics are the parts that apply to this post, I felt weird if I didn't include the whole song):

Lyrics to Helplessness Blues :

I was raised up believing
I was somehow unique
Like a snowflake distinct among snowflakes
Unique in each way you can see

And now after some thinking
I'd say I'd rather be
A functioning cog in some great machinery
Serving something beyond me

But I don't, I don't know what that will be
I'll get back to you someday soon you will see

What's my name, what's my station
Oh just tell me what I should do
I don't need to be kind to the armies of night
That would do such injustice to you

Or bow down and be grateful
And say "Sure take all that you see"
To the men who move only in dimly-lit halls
And determine my future for me

And I don't, I don't know who to believe
I'll get back to you someday soon you will see

If I know only one thing
It's that every thing that I see
Of the world outside is so inconceivable
Often I barely can speak

Yeah I'm tongue tied and dizzy
And I can't keep it to myself
What good is it to sing helplessness blues?
Why should I wait for anyone else?
And I know, I know you will keep me on the shelf
I'll come back to you someday soon myself

If I had an orchard
I'd work till I'm raw
If i had an orchard
I'd work till I'm sore

And you would wait tables
And soon run the store

Gold hair in the sunlight
My light in the dawn
If I had an orchard
I'd work till I'm sore

If I had an orchard
I'd work till I'm sore

Someday I'll be
Like the man on the screen

triptych on living life now, not some distant future dream

2011-05-26T08:04:00.000-07:00

some ruins on the outskirts of Oslo, taken in a speeding cab

air and light and time and space

"–you know, I’ve either had a family, a job,

something has always been in the

way

but now

I’ve sold my house, I’ve found this

place, a large studio, you should see the space and

the light.

for the first time in my life I’m going to have

a place and the time to

create."

no baby, if you’re going to create

you’re going to create whether you work

16 hours a day in a coal mine

you’re going to create in a small room with 3 children

while you’re on

welfare,

you’re going to create with part of your mind and your body blown

away,

you’re going to create blind

crippled

demented,

you’re going to create with a cat crawling up your

back while

the whole city trembles in earthquake, bombardment,

flood and fire.

baby, air and light and time and space

have nothing to do with it

and don’t create anything

except maybe a longer life to find

new excuses

for.

My Adventures in London and Oslo

2011-05-23T21:39:00.000-07:00

Oslo

The trip was EXACTLY what I needed. I felt so restless and unhappy before I left, and I'm returning with a renewed sense of purpose. I wrote 22 pages in my journal today just on what I learned and how I can make sure to follow through on incorporating it all into my life (in a balanced, not manic way of course). I was worried that I was doing so much on this trip that I wouldn't be present enough to hearing God's voice in the midst of the daily adventures, but definitely near the end, especially the last day, I felt as though he got his point across. But now I MUST get to bed, and attempt to avoid any sort of jet lag :)

Ha det!

in less than 24 hours

2011-05-10T22:53:00.000-07:00

I will be on a plane headed to London!!! And in less than 5 days, I will be on another plane headed to Oslo!!!

I cannot wait! I'm SO excited!

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Honestly, I'm so glad to be traveling internationally on my own. It's one more solo experiment, a bit larger than the solo Saturday night dinner date, but I suspect much more enjoyable! More and more, I realize there's a lot I want to know I can do on my own. So when I meet the next guy I get into a relationship with, I know that I WANT to be with him, rather than feel like I NEED him. I don't want to stay with someone who I know is wrong for me again, just because I'm fearful of being alone. These experiments and adventures are further cementing my confidence in myself as a singular unit. Thank you God for that, and bless this trip, let it be as you want it to be. Let the flights be safe too please :)

4 Years Ago

2011-05-01T16:18:00.000-07:00

Robert Lee Scoville (June 19, 1949-May 1, 2007)

Today is the anniversary and every year so very different than the last. 3 years I didn't even write a blog post, I was too busy caring for my injured boyfriend, who had broken his collarbone the evening before and was on pain meds the whole of the next day. So while he napped, I went for a stroll around 24th St with Tracy, but I felt nothing, I was so numb and focused on my present life and on someone else. The second year was a work day, but I went to a Taize service at night with Amy, Jeff and Joann. I was more stressed about coordinating with all the people, and making sure they were ok, and trying to not be a crank, but I was a total crank, all day. So was Mom, she shared she was snappy at work. The first anniversary, I was sick and got my poppy tattoo. Tracy and Joann kept me company, and we went to Chinese food after and I got a fortune that read "you are deeply attached to your family and home." It was creepy and beautiful, very God I think. Sometimes God gives me chills in that creepy way, and I love it.

This year my sister came into town and we spent yesterday afternoon through just a few minutes ago together. It was great, we are going to try to do that every year together. It helped having someone with me who knew EXACTLY how I felt. I didn't have to worry about how she was feeling, because I knew we felt the same way, and I also knew I could be goofy and not seem "not sad enough." We looked at the pictures I had of dad, including this gem, that I NEED to get framed:

Yep, Dad was a hunter. We had all sorts of taxidermied things around the house, and there definitely was an impala head in my bedroom as a little girl. There are some bulky elephant tusks in a storage unit in Texas waiting for me, I have no clue what to do with them.

So Tori and I talked, remembered, looked at photos, smelled bag of Vietnam medals that I have of his (they still smell like him), wore his watches on our wrists, and walked around the mission.

I'm trying to forgive him, but it's such an overwhelming task to undertake that I feel completely inadequate. So I'm just trying to feel everything around it, trying to get angry, in order to go through the steps of mourning and grieving. But I feel as though there is this molten core deep in my "heart" that I cannot seem to get to, but I see it's effects. I see the lava spilling out onto the surface: in my relationships and in my insecurities, but I cannot seem to access what I know is a fucking mess of emotions.

Alright, I'm off to get a beer at Shotwells, and then church. And then later tonight, I'm making the 007 Scoville cocktail that Kathryn and I created shortly after his funeral, when she came back with me to Santa Cruz, two shots vodka with some pink grapefruit crystal geyser.

Dirty Cup

2011-04-27T22:57:00.000-07:00

Luke 11: 39- 40 Then the Lord said to him, “Now then, you Pharisees clean the outside of the cup and dish, but inside you are full of greed and wickedness. You foolish people! Did not the one who made the outside make the inside also?"

This is me:

Seemingly together, confident and kind on the surface, but the inside does not match. I get a glimpse of this when I get sick and try to continue to go about my days as if I'm healthy. I get cranky, am distant emotionally with loved ones and am quick to be annoyed. I know we all can be a bit "off" when we're sick, but I wonder if this is the "real" me, the inside of my cup, and that I have the world pretty fooled. Some of this is unfounded, I know, but some of it isn't. It's VERY much my personality type to seem together, to seem like everything is hunky dory (a great bowie album) while inside feeling very alone or sad (Although right now, I feel the opposite of alone, I feel overwhelmed with so many friendships) or even angry, jealous, malicious.

The inside of my cup does not want to be exposed or be aware of itself, so I focus all my energy on the outside of my cup, with my appearance, fun projects and charming demeanor. So I'm outing myself here: the outside does not match the inside. I need a lot of work, God. You've got your work cut out for you with this mess of a girl. My actions and thoughts have not be honorable a lot of the time, and especially in 2011.

I need some care, healing and growth but I can't for the life of me create time for myself because I'm SO concerned with the outside of the cup. I don't want people to think I'm a flake or that I don't care about them, but I think I need to start trusting that people will love me even if I occasionally disappoint them, and start choosing my health and my time with God first. Day 1 is closing and I totally failed at it. Maybe Day 2 will yield better results. Pray for me.

Flew like a Champ

2011-04-19T15:27:00.000-07:00

On board my flight

In case any of you were wondering from two posts ago how my flight to denver went... it went great! There were lots of factors that contributed to this: prayers and encouragement from friends, 1/2 an anxiety pill with some whiskey, a fear of flying app that Brian sent me that describes the exact degree of the angle of take off and meeting an angel of a man who works on SFO airplanes as a mechanic, and flies home to Michigan on his weekends (he has a 4 day work/weekend cycle... but also works 12 hr days!). Because of all of these, I was able to have a fairly fear-less flight to and from Denver! Now I'm all travel buggy and looking up airfare to Long Beach and Seattle. Unfortunately this bug is getting smashed by how high airfare is right now... DAMN!

But I am very much looking forward to my trip to London and Oslo in 3 weeks and 1 day!!! AY!!!! I am SO SO SO excited! I feel so unprepared, but I know that Gun and Stian have plently planned for me when I arrive haha. But I should make a short list of things I want to see in Oslo. For now, I'll study this map and get excited that almost exactly two years after they left San Francisco, I FINALLY get to see Gun and Stian in person!

It's that time...for another mix!

2011-04-16T18:37:00.000-07:00

I love this photo of Son Lux

Two years ago I made a "More Hardly than Strictly" mix of music that had country/bluegrass hints to it. I posted on facebook to see if anyone wanted a copy of the mix and 10 friends got back to me. So I made the mix with many friends in mind, made my own album art (which you can see here) and sent them in the mail, thus combining my love of mixes, paper art and the postal service. I thought I'd be so pre-occupied with the In My Bedroom Show site, but the lovely Jessica Kemp and Emily Weiss have taken the burden of site layout and design onto their own shoulders and I find myself attempting to patiently and excitedly wait to see what they come up with. So in the meantime, between recruiting friends to shoot shows, as well as ReImagine, work, and other life responsibilities, I will take my time making a moody boy mix. With the release of the new Panda Bear album and the new Son Lux, I've found myself LOVING me some moody experimental boy music. So I will make a mix. Email, msg, text me with your address and I'll send you a copy. It'll be a few weeks, since I haven't even BEGUN the mix yet, but know, I put a lot of love into my mixes. Whether or not they are any good, there's some Dani love in 'em.

Flying

2011-04-11T10:07:00.000-07:00

I've been so busy keeping busy that I forgot that I'm flying this week. Crap. Pray for peace of mind as I fly, I know each flight gets a little easier, but I still HATE take off. But after 2-3 hours of being scared and trying to distract myself, I'll get to be in Denver! I'll work a conference solo (like last year's in Chicago, same conference) and get to chat with authors, go to dinner, order room service, practice my editorial skills- so I just need to remind myself of all of this. 5-6 hours total of flight for 3 days of adventure and meeting new people. Worth it.

A Reminder & Plea for Justice

2011-04-07T08:30:00.000-07:00

“Stop doing wrong, learn to do right! Seek justice, encourage the oppressed. Defend the cause of the fatherless, plead the case of the widow.” Isaiah 1: 15-17

“He has shown all you people what is good. And what does the LORD require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God.” Micah 6:8

I Live My Life in Widening Circles: Spring

2011-03-31T16:18:00.000-07:00

I live my life in widening circles

that reach out across the world.

I may not complete this last one

but I give myself to it.

I circle around God, around the primordial tower.

I've been circling for thousands of years

and I still don't know: am I a falcon,

a storm, or a great song?

-Rainer Maria Rilke

Spring snuck up on me! Between being bed-ridden and rain-drenched, I completely forgot the promise of the end of winter. The winter of my heart began to defrost a long time ago. I am finding myself daily more liberated than the last, and daily more aware of how much left there is to go. Spring has always meant the promise of new beginnings to me, way more than the start of the new year. Two years ago, I had been in the city a total of three months, was in the middle of being bed ridden for three weeks with mono, dealing with feelings of rejection and loneliness, but the weather warmed and I healed on many levels and had a beautiful season. My soundtrack to that time was "Phantom Anthills by Chad VanGaalen:

Everything about this song feels like a new beginning. It's epic, soft, continuous, intense- it makes me think of a birth, but not as messy. It was my anthem for the spring.

Rilke says I live my life in widening circles. I think that's completely true. Two years later, I just recently got over being bedridden for a week with a cold that took all my energy like mono did, dealing with feelings of rejection and loneliness on a much broader scale (not associated with any one person, maybe a little more with my dad than anyone else), but I'm in a stronger place than I was two years ago. I have much more confidence than I did then, and am struggling with the same problems but on a deeper level, like massaging out a muscle knot. But this year I don't have an anthem! Spring came before I could pick my track! Recently I've been listening to electronic music, particularly dubstep, and up-and-coming musicians within my network of friends, such as Pickwick and Ivan and Alyosha, two amazing bands from Seattle. I was lucky enough to see Ivan and Alyosha at Bottom of the Hill on Tuesday:

Here's a song of theirs, which can be one track off of my Spring soundtrack, I kind of like having many songs:

And this leads into my announcement for something NEW to be born with this coming spring: I will create an In My Bedroom Shows blog! I think it's a little funny to have all these personal posts and be directing my music friends to this blog for the videos. So stay tuned...

In My Bedroom Show: Kyle and Hannah Skelton

2011-03-27T22:59:00.000-07:00

Well, it's been a LONG time since my last In My Bedroom Show post, but Friday night the Skeltons and I ended up in my room with my guitar, and they performed a few songs they were working on. They were beautiful songs and I remembered this aspect of my blog, and offered to record one of their songs in my NEW (since the last post....I've been living here for seven months now!) bedroom.

Kyle and Hannah Skelton are a wonderful married couple that hosts a bimonthly musician community group at their apartment in Noe Valley, where folks share what they are working on, and offer up suggestions/critiques. They grew up in Santa Cruz, and have lived in the city for about 9 months. They are two incredibly talented people, and their voices go so well together! Kyle's lyrics are gorgeous and draw heavily on biblical imagery. Enjoy:

And if you are interested in checking out past In My Bedroom Show posts:

Explanation of In My Bedroom Shows
Emily?MLE
Chain of Lakes
Darian Ahler
Evan A. Reese

10 Years Today

2011-03-22T08:11:00.000-07:00

Walking to work today, I broke my habit of not listening to music during my commute, and listened to a mix of songs that tend to put me in a meditative, reflective, worshipful state of mind. And this song, the most familar across generations at least in the US, is the one that stuck out to me. "That saved a wretch like me." I feel so wholly unholy and beautiful simultaneously, so very wretched and undeserving of God, his love and his grace, and yet, I truly feel worthwhile and lovely in his eyes. It's something new for me: being able to accept God's love. Only took ten years, ha! And I doubt I'll remain believing he loves me continuously, considering all my insecurities, moments of doubt and overall human frailty.

Nothing epic planned for today, just trying to think on him and love him. I already failed at that, since this morning at 5:30AM I was awoken by city workers trimming a tree, suffice it to say, I woke up with murder on my mind.

Tonight, I'll make a giant pot of melted cheese and feed it to a few friends to celebrate this anniversary. I cannot imagine keeping this event to myself. As my blog has clearly shown, it's very hard for me to keep my relationship with God private, for better or worse. I'm sure there are spaces where it does need to be just him and I, but I'm only 10 years old, so I'm going to be okay with not being perfect in this regard.

Christian for a Decade

2011-03-20T10:41:00.000-07:00

Ten years ago on Tuesday I alone in my room decided to dedicate my life to living for God. It had been the culminating decision of a few years of reading my bible, mostly at night, under my covers with a flashlight so my mom wouldn't catch me. She had no issue with me reading the bible, more that it was after hours that I wanted to read it. It was so thrilling to be under my pink quilt (which is still on my bed) and be secretly reading holy scripture.

This decade anniversary (decaversary?) has completely snuck up on me! Happy 10 years, God/Jesus/Holy Spirit, it's been an incredible decade. Thank you for being my anchor....

Hm, I think I now know what my solo tattoo adventure will entail....

The Hipster Label

2011-03-16T17:42:00.000-07:00

In the past year or so, being called a hipster hasn't bothered me because it's mostly meant "young, somewhat stylish person" to the folks saying it, mostly my coworkers. But recently, it's come from peers, or from those I don't know well (and want to earn their respect), and it rubs me the wrong way. I couldn't put my finger on it at first, because frankly, I live in the mission, wear skinny jeans, plaids, vintage clothes and like good beer and music. But that's just it, that's not who I am, it's all surface indicators and small talk topics. So when I hear "hipster" what I'm hearing is superficial, materialistic, immature, snob, unwelcoming, unholy, arrogant crowd-follower. And this isn't to say these folks are necessarily implying these negative associations with the label, nor are they wrong in their labeling my appearance- many of them don't know me well yet- it's more than this is causing me to pause and second guess myself and my decisions. Is this an indicator that my priorities are off? Or am I just not letting these folks in on the concerns of my heart, which have nothing to do with clothing nor the latest and greatest music. I think it's the latter. I get nervous around new people, so I discuss easy surface topic when I draw a blank as to what to discuss. So I talk beer and music, because it's easy and there's plenty to discuss. And my appearance? I don't give it as much thought as maybe it comes off. I have kicked it up a notch post break up, but that's mostly for self esteem purposes. Honestly, if it didn't affect how people saw and treated me, I would probably shave my head and wear whatever kept me warm. But since appearance is so closely tied into how people treat you and your own self-esteem, yeah, I'm going to put in a little effort here and there. Most of my clothes are used and I don't spend a lot of time nor money on them. Just ask Nicole, who was begging me to buy new jeans, since the two pairs that I've lived in for the past 2.5 years have giant holes and are much too loose in the waist on me now.

But the hipster label and my superficial discussion topics kept haunting me last week, and frankly, I don't want to discuss music and beer all the time. It's fun, and I like it, but I want to be thought of as a more intentional person than that. If I could talk about God, beauty and people's stories all day, I would be elated. But then again, that sort of topic is sometimes difficult to launch into with new friendships, though that's never stopped me before.

A very lengthy PS to this post:

Don't mishear me when I downplay music. Music is extremely important to me, but I could give a shit about who the latest and greatest band is. Music is a vital part of how I view the world in terms of beauty and how it connects God and human experience in my mind, in a very ethereal way. Let me give you an example:

I love the books, and this song will always be on my sabbath mix. It really brings me outside my head and encourages my focus on the humanity as a whole, in a very hopeful way.

Another example:

This song and music video makes me feel joyful and sad simultaneously, but very comforted and connected to humanity.

One more music video, I'm actually not super in love with the song, but the music video makes me feel the same way the one above did, very connected to the women in the video, maybe not in exact experiences, but I can relate to how they feel. I especially now want to do another solo adventure at a carnival, enjoy:

I like how both videos end with someone entering the ocean, like the ending of The Awakening, slightly more uplifting of course. If you want more examples read this post from last year, I list quite a few that musically connect me with God, more so than the typical worship song can.

External Extrovert

2011-03-07T22:35:00.000-08:00

Beyond wearing one's heart on her sleeve. Anyone else remember inside out boy?

I never know what I think about something until I read what I've written on it.
William Faulkner

Today a friend encouraged me to google some Faulkner quotes, and I have to say, while I did not enjoy his short story "The Bear," Faulkner has some really great one-liners. I remember from my modern literature class with Chude-Sokei, he would always quote Faulkner's line of "the past is never dead. It's not even past." Anyways, I LOVE quotes, especially one-liners that truly communicate complex ideas (or ironic ones). I think because I have such an overabundance of words, it challenges me to whittle down my thoughts into something more concise.

And, that entire paragraph was an aside, it's not even what I wanted to discuss....furthering my gluttony with words.

"I never know what I think about something until I read what I've written on it." The quote at first sounds like egotistical author babble, but I can relate to it if I read it within the lens of my experiences as an external processor. So often I cannot figure out how I think or feel about something until I journal or discuss it with someone. My thoughts have to be drawn out of my mind, placed in front of me and sorted, and typically, I need someone to sort through them with. Between my experiences in Santa Cruz with Brian and my experiences here in SF with a good portion of my friends, I know a lot about the introverted brain, and have romanticized it to no end. But I don't have that brain, I have an extroverted brain. I get ridiculously excited around people, and depressed/exhausted when I'm not around people for long periods of time. And I cannot process most of my thoughts in my head alone. I found this when I was doing my not talking about men experiment, which I've discussed in previous posts.

I find myself so very exposed in that regard, but I don't know any other way to be. It's who I am. But I do feel a little like Inside Out Boy from Nickelodeon, nothing is hidden. It's impossible for me to hide how I'm feeling or what I am thinking. It can be very lonely though when you're the only one sharing. And I question my motives and wonder if I'm being too self involved or over sharing.

Why does God make some of us with the ability to process internally and some externally? Why can't I have thoughts run through my mind thoroughly before speaking, instead of constantly regretting the quick words that are thoughtlessly blurted? I see the gifts that each type gets, but I can't help but be envious of the other side. I am very thankful that I lead the mission tribe with a brilliant introvert, so that I can see the gifts she and I both bring.

I don't have a conclusion to this, I just wanted to write on it, frankly in order to process. If you wonder why I blog so much on my own thoughts, this is one of the main reasons. It's not because I have some grandiose delusion that I'm blogging on topics that no one has ever written on before, but really in order to sort out my thoughts, and to let others into my life, in a way that isn't me talking their ears off in person. That's the beauty of having a blog, no one is forced to read this.

Sabbath Mantra and Image

2011-03-06T15:50:00.000-08:00

Shaun O'Dell

Phillipians 4:8: Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.

The Final Countdown

2011-03-02T22:22:00.000-08:00

Tomorrow I'll be done with my experiments for our Experiments in Truth workshop! I'm ready for them to be done in some ways, but I've also discovered practices that I will continue to do post-workshop. A quick debrief:

Media Fast: I haven't missed facebook too much, aside from when I'm at work and it's a slow day, which typically isn't often in my job. But for some reason there have been patches of time in the last month where it's been slow. I'll be glad to watch movies again, though I did make two exceptions (True Grit for my solo experiment and the chocolate documentary that Not For Sale hosted). I totally took several sabbaths from the online TV fast, because at times I truly needed a break from my brain. I held to my no music while commuting places, and I think I really want to keep that one up. I've gotten into lots of small conversations with neighbors that I wouldn't have otherwise. And I didn't even get hassled by anyone, which was why I'd wear the headphones in the first place. If anything, the comments that men have made to me have been gentleman-ly enough (and being single, it's been nice having older homeless men tell me I'm pretty. I've thanked them sincerely when they've said it, and it's a little sad how that gratitude throws them off. I don't want to be another person ignoring them, especially when they're being nice).

Thoughts/Discussion about men: totally dropped this experiment for the most part, even with the large mid-experiment alterations. I've now figured out a healthy way to deal with what this was trying to address, so I've been doing and will continue with this new variation post workshop :)

Solo: SO good! I've been pretty good at documenting the different solo adventures on this blog. I think this will become a weekly practice. In a couple of weeks I'll even be going to my friend's wedding solo, and I won't know most of the folks at the wedding. I'll also be hiding behind a camera, but that still counts! I also think I'll take lots of solo walks up Bernal, that's been one of my favorites. As well as go to movies and concerts solo- such fun! I watched True Grit and TOTALLY got into it- way more than if someone was sitting next to me that I knew. I was a much more animated movie viewer without the social accountability of a friend watching my reactions.

All in all, despite not being in the best state emotionally and spiritually for tackling major experiments, I do think these experiments truly revealed new concepts about myself and my life. Even in the fact that some were total flops, or that I needed to escape my brain and watch some 30 Rock, I now know more about how I process and a healthy balance between intentional reflection and getting outside my head.

My New Music Obsession

2011-03-01T23:09:00.000-08:00

Thanks to Brian, I have been a "The Hood Internet" glutton the past couple of days, downloading mashups and "mixtapes" of mashups. I highly recommend you check out Mixtape Volume 5 on The Hood Internet.

If you are into mashups and/or Girl Talk, I think you'd really enjoy this. Some of the songs being sampled are a little less mainstream that the songs that Girl Talk uses, but there are still some recognizable songs too. Check it out!

My New Desktop Background

2011-02-28T21:24:00.000-08:00

Is anyone really surprised?

Table for One: The Grand Finale on the Solo Experiment

2011-02-28T07:09:00.000-08:00

The idea of having dinner alone at a restaurant terrified me, but I knew with this experiment it had to happen. I wanted to go on a Saturday night to a nice date-y restaurant, because I knew I only was going to do this once, and I didn't want to skip out on any of the details to make it easier on me. I did allow myself a book. But I ordered a beer, an appetizer and the nicest entree on the menu. On dates with others, I would not have done that, it would feel rude and presumptuous, but since I knew I was footing the bill, I felt okay going all out. But damn, I'm not a cheap date when I fly solo. And... it was really uncomfortable. The wait staff was extra nice to me, in a pitying sort of way...or they thought I was a food reviewer. They sat me next to a couple on a date, and I felt the couple's energy get SO tense around me. You'd think they have each other to be concerned with, but apparently I was a distraction. I ignored their weird looks and read Wise Blood by Flannery Oconnor and drank my lil sumptin from Lagunitas. The food, ambiance and service was great at Locavore, I highly recommend it. But that is the first and only time I'll take myself out on a date. It just wasn't fun for me like going to True Grit and the Dan Deacon concert was. And it was extravagent, I think if I'm going to spoil myself, it'll be on a nice meal I'll cook at home. I think I'm still too aware of others' perceptions of me to enjoy dining alone (it was a similar experience at St. Francis, people just don't know what to do with a 25 year old woman dining alone). Anyways here's a little documentation of my big night out:

I dressed up for myself, put on extra makeup. I knew I needed to feel confident in some way.

Table for one

I'm glad I did this dinner date, because it was something I feared. I really do want to start making a list of fears that I want to tackle. I think the list is too long to continue staying the fear list. :)

Independent and Fearless: Two Posts for the Price of One

2011-02-25T15:55:00.000-08:00

Independent at the Independent

Brian suggested the brilliant idea of going to a concert as a part of my solo experiment. I jumped onto the concert sites to try to find a show that I'd enjoy and that was affordable. I had heard of Dan Deacon through friends but never heard his music, but the ticket was inexpensive and the show was at the Independent, which is one of my favorite venues. I got there Tuesday night after happy hour with my coworkers. The first band was already playing, and I easily slipped to the front, since I didn't have to worry about finding space for another person. The band finished and I was horrified to find that the in between set time was painfully awkward. I grabbed and IPA and started texting Brian. He suggested I people watched, which is hard to do without being that crazy staring girl. But he was nice enough to text me between sets. The openers were fun, loud and upbeat, which was nice since I was exhausted from my holiday weekend.

Then Dan Deacon came on....and set up his booth on the floor in front of the stage, he was so close to me!

Dan setting up his booth.

They invited audience members to watch from the stage. I stayed on the floor.

There was LOTS of dancing and LOTS of crazy lighting. When these strobes were too much, I kept my eyes on the ground. Dancing alone was really liberating. I didn't have to worry about looking like an idiot in front of someone I knew.

The red, blue, green light fixture he used made the audience light up in funky ways, images I had seem in magazines, blogs and album covers.

Then Dan led us in several different dancing experiments. He played with the audience a lot, which was awesome. In this photo he had all the audience members get on their knees and follow his friend's dance moves. See below video that I took from my phone. It was awesome.

Seriously, such a fun, liberating experience. Aside from the time between the sets, I was perfectly content by myself, even preferred it in this case. I left a few songs early in order to catch a bus at midnight, I had work the next day :) And I think it's pretty perfect I had this solo experiment at the Independent, for several reasons.

Fearless: Indoor Skydiving

So clearly, this isn't me. But I didn't want to buy a photo....

So this wasn't a solo experiment, since Tracy came with me, but it definitely was an adventure that is continuing my life-long experiment of taking chances, putting myself in spaces where I don't have control, and even playing with my fear of flying (in a sense). Plus, I had bought this groupon as a date for Evan and I, since he wanted to go skydiving with me...and we all know that will never happen for me. It'll be an act of bravery for me to ride on the airplane that a guy jumps out of. Tracy and I got there, both nervous and giggling. They sat us through a quick ten minute class on proper flying position, which was kind of stressful, since i knew I would totally mess that up as soon as I was in the air. They put us in the most ridiculous jump suits with helmets, goggles and ear plugs. That helped actually. You looked ridiculous already, so if you are flopping around like a fish in the chamber, who cares? Our "flight time" was shared with this family of 10. As we all filed in, I realized that I was going to have to go first, which I absolutely did not want to do. Everything was unknown, and I didn't know what to expect. I wanted to see an example. Tracy offered to go first, but then the instructor looked at me and motioned to come into the chamber. So I went for it. I think that's what I'm most proud of: going first. That's not a Dani thing to do. And it was a blast! It felt strangely familiar and extremely foreign all at the same time. We each have 2 sets of 1 minute flight time. I felt very accomplished, even though I looked like a smiling idiot the whole time. I'm not exaggerating, they videoed the WHOLE thing. Tracy and I are getting a DVD in the mail, and no we will NOT be showing that to anyone.

I'm at work right now and it's a slow day. But in 20 minutes I will walk over to the mall's movie theater and see True Grit by myself. I really am digging this solo experiment. The other experiments haven't been as transformative for me, but I'm so happy that I chose this experiment, and am so thankful for the good experiences thus far.

Hopefully see you all at the Hurricane Roses Show tonight! (See below post!)

Hurricane Roses Show Tonight!

2011-02-25T09:15:00.000-08:00

Since I am not using facebook I thought I would do a quick blog shout out for my friends' band Hurricane Roses. They are playing a show tonight in SF at Kimos! Come! If you are on facebook, check out their fan page. Their sound is country/rock, and they put on a great show! It's $8 at the door. See you there!

A Full Week

2011-02-22T16:50:00.000-08:00

I saw this week coming weeks in advanced, I knew it'd be hectic. And now it's here, and it's exciting! So many adventures crammed into a few days! Tonight I'm going to happy hour with my editors and some coworkers at the Bloodhound (a great bar in the SoMa), and then I'm going to the Dan Deacon show at the Independent tonight by myself. It's one of my larger solo adventures for my experiment. He's very electronic and dance-y, so we'll see how I feel at the show. I'll either be super shy or dancing by myself, I'm hoping the latter. It'll be a late night and an early morning for work, in order to get off work early tomorrow so that Tracy and I can go indoor skydiving! Then Thursday I'm going to have a literary discussion with a friend after work, and haul ass over to DPC for another week of facilitating Experiments in Truth. Friday is the Hurricane Roses show at Kimos (EVERYONE COME!) which will be another late night.

So I think Saturday will be a sabbath day, because it will be raining. I will listen to the new Radiohead album and drink tea.

My hope for this week is that amongst the busy-ness I will be able to enjoy all the fun. Oftentimes when I'm running from one venue to the next I get so focused on getting there that I'm not able have as much fun. I think I need to give myself grace in being late if it means I'll be able to be present at my activities. My big mantra right now is Matthew 6:25-34, but especially verse 34:

Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

I walked to work today instead of riding the BART, and I really stopped trying to think, plan, control my future, but to simply be present with my surroundings on my walk. There's a lot that I got to see and enjoy because of it. Of course there was a lot of pain and ugliness too, which made me feel helpless. But at least I'm not muting life as it is. I think I'm going to try to walk to work whenever I have time and it isn't raining- it's a really nice way to start the day.

Broke the Video Fast

2011-02-19T10:59:00.000-08:00

For this:

I mean, what's a girl to do? It's a new Radiohead song, Thom Yorke looking dashing and most importantly: Choreographed dancing. And I love love love it when Thom dances. It's very specifically him.

A Really Good Valentine's Day

2011-02-17T17:52:00.000-08:00

So I had an incredible valentine's day, way better than the past two when I was in relationships. This has little to do with the guys I was dating and more to do with me. After working 3 years in a flower shop on V-day, I was pretty much ruined for the holiday. Which is fine. I'm not anti, I don't wear black on the day, but I just don't care for it either. This results in being with a guy on the day, and trying to do 'something' but nothing 'too big a deal.' Anyways, this isn't to complain about previous V-days because they were fun in their own way. Evan and I hiked up Bernal, made dinner and unclogged my toilet. (Which is actually a really sweet thing for a guy to do, since I'm plumbing illiterate.) The year before that Darian and I went to the pillow fight in the embarcadero, Vesuvio's and drank with Cody, Lyle and their dad, got indian and played pool with some friends.

But this year was fun because I was all set for it to be another solo exercise for my experiment. Then I got a valentine date: the lovely 2 1/2 year old Isabella. I was honored that the Hinns let me play with her while they went out. We fingered painted for hours, played airplane and danced to the same two songs over and over. At some point she decided painting on me was more fun than paper. AND I got a Valentine from miss Isabel (see above), which I LOVED, especially since she gave the heart bangs. After the Hinns came home, I went out for drinks with a friend to Thieves and got to meet a lot of new, very sweet people, which is always exciting for me. I was notified by Tracy via text that her boyfriend not only took her on a date and gave her a rose, but that he left a rose for me in my room too! That was a good move Rob...getting the bestie approval is key.

And, I got this little gem of a letter and a collection of drawings from miss MLE:

And finally, today, I got a belated Valentine's Day care package from Melody:

Red velvet cookies with white chocolate chips, candy hearts and possibly one of the SWEETEST cards I've ever received, written on this amazing card from Rifle paper. Sheesh!

Suffice it to say, I felt the love this Valentine's Day, a whole lot :) Totally wasn't a solo experience, but all the love was appreciated and cherished!

Alterations to Experiments and a Mid-week Sabbath

2011-02-16T22:39:00.000-08:00

It's time for a little check in...

1.) Media: Keeping it strong on the no movies, news, internet. On a bad morning and an anxiety-filled evening, I gave in to an episode of 30 rock or Modern Family. Honestly, I never escape my thoughts unless absolutely necessary... and while I could have escaped in another, maybe healthier way, this season of experiments and growth has been extremely exhausting and emotionally taxing on me. And letting myself fail has actually been good for me, being such a perfectionist/control freak/rule keeper. As for music, I'm altering it to only listening to it when I'm at work or home, but am keeping with the no music when in transit. I'm a much friendlier neighbor, have done a lot more reading on BART, and get to overhear interesting interactions. For the music I'm listening to, I'm being mindful of what music calms my mind, but doesn't completely mute it. Still no Girl Talk at work, though I miss it terribly.

2.) Thoughts/Writings/Talking about Men: And... I've totally hated this experiment. Probably because I made it really broad and have completely ignored my external processing self. I NEED to talk about my healing from the break up, need to talk about what I'm learning, need to bring my thoughts outside my head or else they just run around, on repeat, like a rat in a cage. So I've altered this one too, but I'm keeping this personal. Those who hold me accountable will be informed.

3.) Solo: This one I'm totally owning! I even took today off of work because I felt my past few days/weekend were so people-full. One of today's activities was making myself some delicious french toast (which I ONLY make for guests) and made sure to do a nice presentation on my plate with some berries:

Which may not seem like a lot to most, but I never cook alone, and when I do, it's something quick, easy and if it isn't a soup or salad, it involves melted cheese :) Many more activities planned for the coming days. I think this solo experiment might turn into a weekly habit for me after the workshop is over. It's been really good for me to slow down and realize how much fun I have on my own, how much fun I AM, how taking a break from caring for people to care for myself is so necessary, etc. It's one of those lessons that many were born knowing, but that I'm still in the process of learning. AKA, maybe a more doable version of my sabbath time.

Also, this evening I attended a preview night at a seminary. I was supposed to go with Mia, but the little girl got ill so Mia had to be a good mama and attend to her. In some cases, I would've just bailed on the evening, but instead I went by myself and was fine! I'm glad I was able to spend most of today by myself, to continue to foster my sense of independence.

God and Foul Language

2011-02-15T12:54:00.000-08:00

Sunday night, in a sermon I was listening to, the pastor used a curse word to illustrate something strongly. Being a woman with a mouth like a sailor at times, I was quite relieved to hear it. I do not understand why we prescribe such offense to words when they aren't directed at someone, but merely used as intensifiers. And JD Salinger writes something interesting about this in one of his Glass family stories. In "Seymour: An Introduction" Seymour writes the following note to his brother Buddy, giving Buddy feedback on his short story:

It should have been a religious story, but it's puritanical. I feel your censure on all his God-damns. That seems off to me. What is it but a low form of prayer when he or Les or anybody else God-damns everything? I can't believe God recognizes any form of blasphemy. It's a prissy word invented by the clergy. (pg 154)

A friend of mine wrote an article for a Christian magazine stating that profanity is hurting our mission as Christians. Really? That's what we should worry about? I ended up commenting on it with something along the lines of "maybe we should be more worried about how our lifestyles support human trafficking and slavery instead of cursing." Maybe not my most mature response, especially when it's in the form of a facebook comment.

All that to be said, I am trying to tone down my mouth, for the sake of all my friends' kids and for the friends who sincerely are offended by that language. I know I've written on this topic before (this post), but rereading that quote made me want to see what others thought. I know it's a superficial topic, and I'm being a hypocrite for writing about this instead of human trafficking. But I wanted to put the quote out into my community and see what others thought.

My Experiments So Far...

2011-02-09T14:59:00.000-08:00

I am unfortunately unable to confirm this, since I cannot check facebook myself, but there should be a few other ReImagine folks with similar profile pictures to this one.

So not even a full week into my experiments, and I'm already realizing how difficult they are/have broken 2 of them. Which is fine, ultimately it proves that I chose experiments that would challenge me, as opposed to easy lifestyle changes that do not yield any struggle, and therefore would not get to the heart of any of my matters.

Media: Well, I completely forgot about the whole "no browsing the internet" so Friday morning, Day 1, I was researching enneagram profiles online. It wasn't until 10-15 minutes into diagnosing my coworker Michael as a 5 with a 4 wing (I now think it's the reverse) that I realized I was breaking an experiment. Whoops. No TV and movies has been easy enough, and I embarassingly don't follow the news aside from the paper in my office's lunchroom. Although I had a really emotionally hard night Monday night, which resulted in 30 Rock and 2 CSI NY episodes. Honestly, the alternatives to the TV watching would have been more destructive. But I'm persevering on the no music side of things, which is proving to be almost physically painful for me when I'm at work or alone in my room, so I might alter it, since the whole point of the fast is to engage more with my neighbors and be more aware of my beautiful surroundings. Which I did last night when I climbed (walked, really) up Bernal Hill.

Men: I went to a show on Saturday night which was a reunion of all the friends I had when I was in Santa Cruz, and that I've made since then during my visits back there. One friend in particular was in town from London and wanted to know how I was really doing. So we discussed men for a brief moment, but in a catching up sort of way, not in a plotting sense. The thought side of this experiment is near impossible, but it's a good practice of catching my thoughts and remembering what is true and what God wants for me. But it does feel impossible and overwhelming, only a week into it. Honestly, I sometimes catch myself going "it's too difficult, I should just drop this experiment." Which I'm pretty sure means it's a good one to keep going with!

Solo: This one has been the most enjoyable experiment, and easier than I thought! If anything I find myself doubling up activities that are solo, and enjoying just being alone. Friday: I crafted alone in my room, which isn't the most social activity anyhow, but I put my phone on silent and didn't check my email for that hour. I might have ran into Lydia in the hall and mumbled hello, but that's about it. Saturday: St. Francis brunch at the counter solo. See previous post for my observations. I also went to my little friend's 4 year old bday party, which was complete with families and couples. Not having a partner there was a little hard. But it was also easy since a lot of my dear friends were there, just with their partners and babies. Sunday: picnic at Dolores Park. Got a sunburn, read Salinger and journaled a bit. Over an hour later I ran into Aneesa and Andrea and hung with them. Monday: Bible studied in my room. It was great. Tuesday: Walked up Bernal Hill at dusk and watched the last bit of the sun's rays hit the downtown buildings (see below). Also visited Nicole at Pizza Organsmica, but since she was in manager mode, I got a solo dinner at the bar, complete with beer tasting and delicious pizza. It's a hard life. Tonight I will go to my company party stag. I already have had to tell coworkers who were looking forward to meeting my boyfriend, that I was no longer in that relationship. Clearly they do not Facebook stalk me like I assumed ;) Should be lots of fun, Thad is DJing and I love my work friends (see this post about them)

The Silent Prayer Retreat and My 3 Experiments for 2011

2011-02-05T13:42:00.000-08:00

Taken on my hike, sitting in a little stone "chapel"

The silent prayer retreat last weekend was exactly what I needed. From Friday night after dinner to Sunday after lunch, ten people from ReImagine were in silence together. I thought this would be a challenge for me, since I am such an extrovert and external processor, but it actually was quite freeing for me. A weekend of being around people, but not having to worry about taking care of them, or watching my words/tone, was incredible and brought a lot of my habits into perspective. Such as I don't have to fill every moment with words, and that I need to be slow to speak and listen for God more before I open my mouth. This was confirmed by me staying two very stupid things Sunday immediately after the silence was over. Also, the freedom to not have to take care of anyone, and to do whatever I felt like was also really needed. If I wanted to leave the cabin and go for a walk, I could. I could go on as fast or slow a hike as I pleased- and I did. I walked, stopped, stared, sat, and sprinted (a little skip or two may have slipped in as well). I hollered into the woods, breaking the silence, but it's what I wanted, so I did it. I needed it. I found myself speaking out loud to God, unapologetically, especially when something was excessively beautiful on the hike. I figured he wouldn't mind the appreciation.

As for the journaling throughout the weekend, Adam and Robyn did an amazing job with the journaling/prayer prompts. I felt a lot was revealed to me, but it all circulated around the same subject: my desire to be loved. I felt God loving me in a way that I actually had moments of really believing him, rather than what I usually think: "Yeah yeah I get it... God "loves" me... but if I just do these things or abstain from this...then he'll really love me." He also pointed out some of my unhealthy thought patterns when it comes to this desire of mine to be loved. Suffice it to say, I had PLENTY of material for experiments in truth.

Same hike, same seat as previous photo, just the view up

So, my three experiments for Experiments in Truth this year (30 Days):

1.) Group Experiment of Media Fast: No facebook, movies, TV, or internet browsing. I am allowing myself to blog, because it's not an interaction with the internet where I am being influenced, if anything I'm doing the influencing. Unfortunately, I cannot read anyone else's blog this month, nor can anyone in tribe read mine. So I guess this is for my handful of friends in Santa Cruz and San Jose who follow me. I am tacking on a fast from listening to music by myself. I use my extremely large headphones and Girl Talk/Cut Copy/Bjork to tune out my neighborhood or the things going on around me as I walk around my city. Already this morning I had a pleasant interaction with some neighbors that I wouldn't have had if I had my headphones in. I'm not sure about listening to music alone in my room, I have some "sabbath" songs that actually get me to focus on God, but I'm not sure if I even want to do that. For now, when my mind wanders too much, I put on some audio from biblegateway.com, where some epic man's voice is reading the bible. I'm not sure about this option either, hence why we call these practices "experiments"- because they are allowed to be tweaked or blow up in our faces ;)

2.) Thought Practice: No Men. I cannot talk, blog, journal, think about men in a romantic capacity. This is such a distraction, and really does me no good. I need to feel complete on my own and not waiting for some relationship to feel fulfilled. I will, of course, still be here to process my friends' relationships, I just won't talk about myself in terms of needing/wanting someone, or reminiscing too much on past dynamics. The only problem with this one is trying to find something I can quickly bring to mind to substitute my train of thought when it goes down the man path, Lauren suggested a mantra or verse, I haven't found one yet. I've mostly been playing the Books or Best Coast in my brain, which isn't the best quick fix. I am open to suggestions on this.

3.) Active Practice: Complete and solo. Typical Dani is to replace my time in a romantic relationship with LOTS of time with friends. I cannot continue to find my worth in my relationships, only in God. I am a complete and whole person on my own (with God). So I will do something solo every week night for a hour, and do larger activities that I wouldn't normally do solo on the weekends. This morning I went to St. Francis and ate brunch by myself. I was the only female sitting alone, and the other two males eating their brunches solo were at least over 40. It was really interesting, I think the wait staff wasn't sure what to do with me.

So you can be praying that I hold to these experiments, and really challenge myself to grow in this particular growth area that I'm trying to tackle with experiments 2 and 3!

One last shot from the silent retreat, a favorite:

Sunday Morning walk on the road, enjoy the morning rain/mist

1 month into 2011

2011-01-31T16:52:00.000-08:00

I kind of hate and love this photo I just took. Post work, hair up but falling down, and the strips from my blinds make it look like I have a mustache. Ok, I love it.

I cannot believe it's only been one month of 2011. Usually I make some clique remark about time flying, but January has taken FOREVER in the best way possible. While I've been seriously lagging on the blog posts, I've been taught a lot. There's a lot of hope for me yet, thanks to spending a weekend in silent retreat with my community. More on that in another posting though. I'm rereading some of my blog posts from this month and I just want to go back to that Dani and shake her a little. She (and I) are struggling with our priorities, which are clearly out of line. But at least I have one experiment figured out for the upcoming Experiments in Truth workshop. For those of you who do not know what this workshop is, please see this old post of mine that explains it. This will be my third year of experiments, feel free to read my first and second years' postings on what I chose then.

The workshop begins this Thursday at Dolores Park Church at 7pm. All are welcome, if you are interested! You can register here.

Under the Covers

2011-01-14T11:27:00.000-08:00

This timing of this posting is completely incongruent with the San Francisco weather today. The sun is finally emerging and tomorrow it'll be a high of 67 degrees. Dolores Park will be packed, but I think I'll try to make an earlier in the day pilgrimage out there. Before the stereos and PBR arrive.

I have a love/hate relationship with my bed. I've always struggled to get enough sleep, especially falling asleep early and sleeping in. I'm much too in love with doing. But a lot of my favorite moments from these past two years of being in San Francisco have been under my covers, looking outside my windows, listening to sleepy Beach House, Max Richter, etc. I have a craving this morning to crawl under my covers and listen to Lower Dens and the Antlers. It makes me love life, when I'm still and warm but awake in bed. It's like how I love love, it usually happens more when I'm single rather than actually in love. Seems paradoxical to me, but that's how I feel. So now when I have a craving to be in bed, the sun rises, and my San Franciscan guilt won't let me stay indoors. Especially tomorrow. I'll be praying for a cloudy Monday.

3, 2, 1

2011-01-04T19:37:00.000-08:00

Three Years Ago (When I first loved Rilke's "ill-matched threads")

Two Years Ago (My first ReImagine meeting)

One Year Ago (Not a first, but a very scattered posting)

I cannot believe I've had this blog for over three and a half years! And I cannot believe I posted EXACTLY 100 posts for 2010 and didn't even plan it! I love it when good numbers happen without my planning.

And that's exactly what I want with 2011- less Dani control, less Dani initiation, less Dani trying to be God. I'm going to attempt to not control or orchestrate...or manipulate, but since this is the big struggle of mine, I'll definitely fuck up.

My one and only new years resolution is to go to God first, then people. It has often been the reverse. When a need for comfort takes over me, I immediately find, text or call a friend. I've even made a facebook video and sent it to Norway before I've prayed about what is bothering me. I cannot continue to find my identity in others, because no one is perfect, and even the best of friends will not live up to my expectations. Of course they won't, they aren't God. This might not look different to those who I go to, since after prayer and meditation, I will still need my friends to help my extroverted/external processor self sort through the thoughts or situations I find myself in. But I hope for a stronger trust in God, a firmer sense of self-confidence and an overall less neurotic Dani.

The Importance of Banter

2010-12-30T16:15:00.000-08:00

The Queen of Banter: Elizabeth Bennet

I'm very thankful for my friends at work. Especially now, the group is a solid 5 people who interoffice message each other every day before lunch to see who is free to share a meal. We're all a little quirky, but all are quick-witted, which is refreshing for me. Oftentimes I worry a whole lot about others' feelings and if the sarcastic, sassy side can come out without unintentionally causing pain. Recently this friend group has become solid, and is a safe space for us to share about what is going on in our lives. Not sob stories, by any means, but we are able to joke around and generally know how each other is. And we get to banter, and tease. I've been so out of practice, but it's so nice to sass again. I know it sounds silly, but there's something about matching wits, sparing, arguing for fun. I think it's a type of intelligence I thoroughly respect and enjoy, that hilarious retorts can be exchanged quickly. (Which is why I love "that's what she said" jokes so much, you have to be alert, listening, creative and smart in that particular way....and have a slightly dirty mind) It's the side of me that made Dad say I would be a good lawyer. [But the side of me that cares too much could never be a lawyer.] So we go to our lunches, discuss books, movies and relationships, and generally digress into silliness. For instance today we assigned a different Saved By the Bell to each other. I, of course, was deemed by the others as the tall, outspoken, feminist, slightly-neurotic, Jessie. Thanks guys...

It's hard though for me to use this with everyone, because in the past, I've used it as a way to hurt people who have hurt me. Like when Tyler and I fought in high school, most of it wasn't obvious fighting, it was all under the guise of "sarcasm." But I can easily say I've never been meaner to another human than I was with Tyler in high school. It's why I value his friendship so dearly now, he saw the ugly side, and still wants to be my friend.

King Banter: Mr. Darcy

This is why I love 30 Rock and Pride & Prejudice so much. The dialogue keeps you on your toes. Particularly in P&P, it is an acceptable way for a woman to assert herself through her intelligence.

Confession: this kind of intelligence is my favorite because it's also one of the intelligences that I identify with, while I lack other kinds of intelligences, such as the type where one call recall various facts, dates, pieces of information, or the kind of intelligence where one can be presented a riddle or puzzle and figure it out. These two kind of intelligences I lack incredibly. Quick witted humor and interpersonal relations are more my strengths, while the other two I can really only admire in others. Which is why I think my enneagram type (2) is typically matched with 5s- they are the types that become experts on different topics, like music, art, beer (I'm thinking of my friends who are 5s). Female 2s are also matched with 9s, but that's simply an aside, in case you were curious.

My Second Hot Seat

2010-12-28T22:15:00.000-08:00

For those of you who don't know what a "hot seat" is, it's where you give your life's story, main events, important characters, etc. uninterrupted for a period of time (say 30 minutes to two hours). It's extremely helpful, because when you are talking about current issues running through your mind, you don't have to stop and give your community context from past experiences. They have a foundation to work off of. The first time I did a "hot seat" was with my ReImagine small group that consisted of Jeff, Melissa, Isabella, Gun, Stian, Melody and Amy in April 2009, right as I was healing from mono. Over a year and a half later, I am prepping to give my hot seat first to the Skeltons tomorrow night, and eventually to my entire tribe in 2011. I cannot believe so much has happened in under two years! Mostly, it all feels like a blur, so I perused my own blog, which I'll admit I do from time to time, in the same way we open up our diaries and flip to a random page. I often feel pulled into the moment I wrote the blog post in. There are other times, though, that I feel I am reading someone else's words. Especially when my own words remind me of something I've forgotten, or needed to read. Ha! This makes me sound arrogant. But I fear I learn like a broken record. Over and over, and over and over. Sometimes it sticks. Oftentimes though, when I need my own advice and experience the most, I completely forget it and get wrapped up in the emotion that I'm feeling as I feel it.

I just reread this post and it reminded me to allow myself to be sad. You'd think by this time I'd know that lesson by heart, but it was necessary to reread.

It's raining outside, and I think for the next few months, when it's storming I'll feel just a little more comfortable being not alright. Childish as it is, I think of God letting the wind blow and the large drops fall for me, letting me know he hurts with me. As always, Joann is the prophet in my life, and sent me this passage about Mary (of Mary and Martha) after I told her about mother Mary and the storing up of God's promises in her heart:

"...After she had said this, she went back and called her sister Mary aside. “The Teacher is here,” she said, “and is asking for you.” When Mary heard this, she got up quickly and went to him...When Mary reached the place where Jesus was and saw him, she fell at his feet and said, “Lord, if you had been here, my brother would not have died.” When Jesus saw her weeping, and the Jews who had come along with her also weeping, he was deeply moved in spirit and troubled." (john 11:28-33)

I too have been avoiding sitting at God's feet, and busying myself instead with friends, errands and crafts. But Christmas night, I did sit at his feet and sob. And as much as it hurts, it also was a relief. Like a large exhale.... oh god, that makes me think of waiting to exhale the movie.... and now I have that Whitney Houston song stuck in my head. Damn it.

Motherly Mary

2010-12-24T11:09:00.000-08:00

I want to be like Mary, a gather of God's promises and encouragements:
“So they hurried off and found Mary and Joseph, and the baby, who was lying in the manger. When they had seen him, they spread the word concerning what had been told them about this child, and all who heard it were amazed at what the shepherds said to them. But Mary treasured up all these things and pondered them in her heart. The shepherds returned, glorifying and praising God for all the things they had heard and seen, which were just as they had been told.” - Luke 2:16-20

Right now, I do not feel that way. I feel the promises are here, hopping like little birds at my feet. But I cannot lean over and scoop them up. I just look at them, disbelieving their existences, and looking forward to nothing. I know my worth, I don't believe it. I know my motherly, nurturing, care-giving nature is a gift, but right now I loathe it. I know this has everything to do with my insecurity and nothing to do with reality. But I'm still here. And I think for now, here is healthy...sort off. I think if I was a fully recovered, fully functioning woman, then this past year did not mean as much to me as I thought it did. And while I do think I exaggerated my view of the relationship a little, I do firmly believe there was a lot of good, in the midst of the difficult and mismatched.

All Aboard

2010-12-20T07:00:00.000-08:00

Instead of braving SFO and the TSA (who, knowing my luck of being on a "to watch" list, would probably make me go through the scanner), I am riding an Amtrak train down to Southern California this morning. Nine and a half hours. I can't fully explain it, I love trains. This isn't the first time I've ridden this line either, this will be my third. I always board, thinking I will get lots of reading and craft done, but instead I end up making a friend who I talk to for a good 6-8 hours. It's so fascinating meeting people on the train. First of all, everyone has their specific reason for why they are on a train, when taking a plane would cut their travel time in half, or even more in my case. I really love the opportunity to get to know a total stranger, but over a series of hours, get to know them beyond the beginning "stranger conversation topics." And that, at the end of all this, we will exit at our specific stops, and never see each other again. It's very Before Sunrise, minus the romance, and getting off of the train with the stranger. But there's something about being to share anything with another human being, and not fearing how your relationship will be in the future. You have the freedom to be completely honest (while somewhat maintaining manners of course). Before Sunrise's entire premise is this idea. Again, in my case, I'm not going to exit the train with a stranger and spend all night wandering the streets together. But I do hope to have some train conversations. I previously posted their train conversation here on my blog.

Imagery Inspiration

2010-12-20T06:42:00.000-08:00

Ageless Beauty- Stars
(minus the ridiculous X over the singer's breast)

to lament his absence

2010-12-10T06:40:00.000-08:00

[So the article that I submitted to Conspire did not get in. Which was the whole point of me attempting writing and submitting: facing my fear of rejection. But it just kind of makes me feel doubly rejected at this point in time, which is the pouty, childish side of my thinking. Anyhow, I said that if it didn't get in, I would post it here. Maybe it's clear to you why it didn't get in, but I was pretty proud of it.]

to lament his absence

I distinctly remember the moment I heard my dad was dead. I can recall the exact tone of my mother’s cellular voice detailing how my father was found in his car at the LAX airport parking lot with bullet wounds in his abdomen. We didn’t know then whether he or someone else had pulled the trigger; it wasn’t until a few months later the police report detailed suicide. Not only did the shock permanently embed this moment in my brain, but it also was the moment I felt God leave me. Instantaneously, I sensed both the absence of my father and of my God. All spiritual presence was gone, like a switch flipped off. I only experienced the physical: my feet walking over the bridge’s wooden planks as I was leaving my literature course, the smell of the redwoods on campus, the speckled, uneven surfaces of the rocks at the end of the bridge, and how shockingly vivid they were to me.

I had always believed, in my few years of faith, that when the shit hit the fan, God was going to be there and be my strength. Instead, I had never felt more alone, restless, and terrified. My chest was hollow; I was defeated. At times, I had to remind myself to breathe. God had not protected my father, nor had he protected me. Why hadn’t God, in all his infinite power, stopped the bullets?

My reaction to all this was not sadness, but anger. A fierce, foul-mouthed anger.

I refused to talk to God or attend any sort of faith gatherings. If I did attend a church service, I would not sing the worship songs. I would sit in the pew and stare at the roof beams. Why would I sing something I didn’t believe? God was not good. He wasn’t even there in my time of need. Most Sundays I would sit in the church’s coffeehouse and read until my friends rejoined me after the gathering was over.

Despite my deep-seated anger, a small part of me was still concerned that my actions and feelings were sinful. But I didn’t want to lie to God. If he knew my every thought, I wasn’t about to hide how I felt. My motivation was part saint, but mostly spiteful sinner. I wanted to kick and scream until I got a reaction. If he was going to ignore me, I was going to make it impossible for him to not notice me. Sometimes, I would ignore him in the hopes that he would see that my anger was serious, and then pursue me. I did whatever I thought was going to get me the attention I felt I deserved. I tried the same tactic with my friends who didn’t ask how I was doing. I would bring up my father’s death and all the shocking details, to get a reaction.

I continued to avoid God for months. But, slowly, he began to make his presence known. The first time was through a music mix that my friend had made me. There was enough spiritual distance in that music (which consisted of the Zombies, Spoon, Neutral Milk Hotel, etc) but also enough intense emotion that I was able to subtly connect to my hurt in a way I hadn’t previously allowed. With this music, I didn’t have to talk to another human being. I didn’t have to worry that I was making others uncomfortable. I didn’t have to monitor my words and facial expressions. Because the music wasn’t religiously themed, I allowed myself to think I wasn’t communing with God. But I secretly knew that when I sang “Windowsill” by The Arcade Fire, I was allowing God in by allowing myself to be sad, to sit in grief, and to be disappointed in him. I didn’t want to admit it but the very fact that I was angry and disappointed in him meant I still acknowledged that a relationship with him existed, where I believed in his omnipotence and even his goodness. It meant I loved and trusted him enough to be hurt when he let me down. If I didn’t believe he was good, then why was I so furious?

A half a year later, I opened up A Grief Observed. I had read it twice previously, when trying to support other friends through the loss of their fathers. Now, this third time, I was reading it for myself. The beginning was a source of comfort because C.S. Lewis experienced the same un-answering God that I felt I was experiencing. For most of the book, I felt like I was reading my own thoughts and emotions about missing my dad. And when Lewis realizes that God was not in fact absent, but just silent, I couldn’t help but let my own view of God be affected:

"When I lay these questions before God, I get no answer. But a rather special sort of 'No answer.' It is not the locked door. It is more like a silent, certainly not uncompassionate, gaze. […] Can a mortal ask questions which God finds unanswerable? Quite easily, I should think. […] How many hours are there in a mile? Is yellow square or round? Probably half the questions we ask- half our great theological and metaphysical problems- are like that" (pg 69).

There’s a scene in the movie, The Darjeeling Limited, where the three sons confront their mother on why she hadn’t attended their father’s funeral and her disappearance after his death. She responds that she doesn’t have the answers to these questions. She then suggests they communicate themselves more fully without words. In the most emotionally open scene of the movie, their faces seem almost expressionless as they stare at each other. But all the intense emotion is in their eyes, so quietly conveyed -- especially the way their mother silently responds, with her small, unwavering smile.

I believe this is how God looked at me in the midst of my grief: steadily, lovingly and knowingly. What could he have possibly said or done? Nothing was going to alleviate the pain. Nor was I, at that time, ready or willing to listen to him. He knew my reaction before I reacted, and kept silent.

Similar to that moment of realization that your parents were, in fact, right (some of the time), I realized that God’s silence was exactly what I needed. Experiencing him through unconventional means made me realize the breadth of God’s presence and that despite my anger, he will never leave me. The fact that his reaction was exactly tailored to me, right down to my music taste, reinforced his love for me.

Knowing that God never left my side doesn’t magically wipe the pain away. I still struggle with my dad’s choice. It does help to remember that God, in his silence, was grieving next to me, keeping an eye on me, and loving me. And when loss occurred again two years later, I still grieved. The shock, the powerlessness and the ache took over again. The difference was that I knew that God would remain with me, in his specific, silent way. And after dealing with the abandonment and rejection associated with losing my dad, it’s so crucial for me to remember that while my dad is no longer here, my God is.

Recent Winter Playlist Additions

2010-12-09T20:54:00.000-08:00

I'm trying to reinstate my blogging pattern, but am struggling to find developed enough topics to discuss. So for the sake of warming up my writing muscles, I thought I'd post a couple of songs that are on my Winter 2010/2011 mix.

I love December, because it's the time when all my friends begin to compile their top 10 albums of 2010. In preparation of creating my own list, I listened to the NPR All Songs Considered podcast that discuss the best of 2010. One of the reviewers gave this song as his top song of 2010:

I saw Jens Lekman in concert a year and a half ago at Bottom of the Hill and he played this song. And I remember loving the song, but never followed up on really listening to it until now. The chords are simple for this song on guitar, so maybe it'll be added to my catalog of about 4 or 5 songs that I actually know on guitar :) i just love the slightly annoyed tone to his voice, I feel like he and I could be sarcasm buddies:

Thad had texted me about this band a few months ago and I bought this song but it never clicked until it came up randomly on shuffle at Thanksgiving. The haunting voices, 80s throwback tones and drums really what sold me on the song. And the video is a perfect match, though a little boring.

St. Nicholas the Abolitionist

2010-12-06T19:54:00.000-08:00

St. Nicholas giving dowry gold
Artist: Elisabeth Jvanovsky

According to the St. Nicholas Center:

"One story tells of a poor man with three daughters. In those days a young woman's father had to offer prospective husbands something of value—a dowry. The larger the dowry, the better the chance that a young woman would find a good husband. Without a dowry, a woman was unlikely to marry. This poor man's daughters, without dowries, were therefore destined to be sold into slavery[many stories say prostitution, so sex slavery]. Mysteriously, on three different occasions, a bag of gold appeared in their home-providing the needed dowries. The bags of gold, tossed through an open window, are said to have landed in stockings or shoes left before the fire to dry. This led to the custom of children hanging stockings or putting out shoes, eagerly awaiting gifts from Saint Nicholas. Sometimes the story is told with gold balls instead of bags of gold. That is why three gold balls, sometimes represented as oranges, are one of the symbols for St. Nicholas. And so St. Nicholas is a gift-giver."

Wow, what a different interpretation Santa Claus has become. This is the Saint Nick my children are going to learn about. I would like to encourage everyone this year to consider taking one action step like Saint Nicholas. Perhaps giving to the Sold Project, whose mission statement has a very Saint Nick ring to it: "Our mission is to prevent child prostitution through culturally relevant programs for vulnerable children and to share their stories to empower creative, compassionate people to act."

Birthday Prayer

2010-12-04T16:56:00.000-08:00

Tonight I am celebrating my birthday in two installments. First half is a potluck and time of prayer with my community, while the second is some quality time at my favorite bar. I'm excited to have all my friends come together, and get to introduce some that haven't met each other! But the only thing that remains a blank for me is what to ask for during the time of prayer for my 25th year.

It's like the moment before blowing out the candles: a series of wants/desires rush through your head and the loudest voice is what wins. But what about God's voice in all of this? It tends to be quieter and hard to hear at times. In some ways it seems rather circular for me to ask God for what I should ask from him. But I really want my heart's desires aligned with what he has for me, making life a win/win (which it can never be with pain existing in the world, but I'll sure try!).

While I was getting ready this morning, I kept asking the question though to God. I think he wants me to ask to continue to be transformed by him. I know there is a steady maturing going on in my development, but I also tend to grow in bursts, and I'm already experiencing growing pains so I hope this means that I am being transformed as well.

Or maybe tonight I'll just have folks pray what they think I should be asking for! Cop out?

Healing Balm Mix

2010-11-24T06:44:00.000-08:00

There's not a lot I can say on here that would be appropriate, but in so many words, I find myself single again. I'm hurting and assembling a playlist of healing songs that will hopefully help (along with God's strength and love):

I've used this song before to heal, and I find it and it's music video to be quite uplifting while simultaneously being quite sad in Greg's tone of voice, and his facial expressions in the video. I have the same expression as of late.

This song has a similar flavor to the above song: a mixture of hope and a tinge of sadness. And it's just a beautiful song. This is the one version I could find that wasn't a live concert with fans screaming. I'm not quite in the fans screaming mood.

This song is like the first song in that the lyrics are quite uplifting and comforting.... but this music video is WEIRD. I apologize for the nudity, at least they try to blur it out. I do love the molding of his face and the mirror faces.

If you haven't checked out the Wilderness Downtown internet site for Arcade Fire, you are missing out. I love it. And the song off the new album they use is a favorite of mine. It wouldn't be healing without Arcade Fire.

And Sleigh Bells' Crown on the Ground. Makes me think of Revelations....just the crown on the ground part. I'm just trying to throw it down, be humble, be sad, be mad, be just a little self destructive. But I'm not reposting the video, since it was only two posts ago ;) make you read my blog. Just skip the anniversary entry.

Woman in Love Part 2: One Year Anniversary!

2010-11-09T22:21:00.000-08:00

Photo by Kelly Boitano

Haha we keep getting these couple photos of us taken by our friends who are photographers, which is a huge compliment and we are happy to help them out. The only downfall is when to use them, without it looking like an engagement announcement!

But this photo is perfect because it shows one of Evan and my favorite beauties of the city: the Muni wires.

Wow, it's been a year (as of tomorrow, Evan pointed out to me tonight when I start getting all excited about dating him a year.... he tends to be fairly literal) from the night Evan made his feelings known at Dolores Park. We ate falafel and watched the city skyline light up and talked. We talked about our passions, God, art, music, our friends... it was a great night. Then he climbed all over the playground while I stayed safely sitting on a swing. I should've known :)

When reflecting on our upcoming anniversary, I came to the conclusion that he and I are at a healthy place in our relationship. There is still quite a bit for us to discover about each other but more than many of the people in my life, he really knows me. He is good at predicting what I'll do in some scenarios. It's hilarious and I love it. And I finally feel now he really is one of my best friends. I think it's so critical to be able to enjoy each other and have SO much fun together! Realistically we have our growth areas, but I think more and more we are growing in how honest we are with each other and both really make an even further effort to explain why we do and say the things we do and say. I am so very in love with him and still get giddy just thinking about him.

Thanks God :)